Anthony Enticknap

The census form and the issue of race

2011-03-28T11:47:00.000+01:00

Today, I finally posted my completed census form, having filled it out a couple of weeks ago. I could easily have gone online and completed the web version, but I like the ritual of putting pen to paper, and because I use computers so much, it's actually a bit of a joy to exercise the skill of handwriting every now and then.

As I laid it in the outgoing mail tray at work, though, I did so in the knowledge that I wasn't completely satisfied with it. Although I'd completed it to the best of my abilities, I couldn't help thinking the form was inadequate on one particular subject: ethnicity.

Firstly, I somewhat resent being obliged to state my ethnicity. I've no doubt there are legitimate reasons for the government wanting this information, but I've become accustomed, when filling in forms and questionnaires, to having the option not to state my race. No such freedom here, though, and people who send incomplete census forms are at risk of being fined.

Begrudgingly, I perused the menu of tasty-looking ethnicities in search of what I wanted. White? No, not today. Black? Maybe another time. Ah, the Asian section; that's more like it. Oh no, that's more Indian and Pakistani, rather than the Chinese I was looking for. Specifically, I was looking for mixed white and Chinese, but that was nowhere to be found.

As much as I'd like to think I'm unique, I'm certain there are millions of people who share my ethnicity (my three siblings among them). Just like me, though, they'd probably have looked through the census form and selected 'Mixed Other' and then specified their race as instructed by the question.

Of course, race is a sensitive subject to many, and the term 'Chinese' wouldn't apply to large numbers of people with ancestry originating in countries such as Japan and Korea. Therefore, I can forgive the census makers for this oversight.

However, what's less acceptable is the tiny space you're given to specify your race. As you're probably aware, the census form is one of those documents that has you writing everything in block capitals in little grids, where you get one tiny box for every letter. That's all well and good, until you have to write your daughter's ethnicity, which just happens to be mixed black, white and Chinese. Even without the 'and' or punctuation, that doesn't fit in the stupid little boxes.

In the end, I wrote as much as could in the boxes and put the rest outside them. As I think about it now, I wish I'd written 'Blitese'. That'd teach them.

Cliches and errors of tech journalism

2011-02-08T12:02:00.004Z

Update: 'Marmite' is not an adjective. It never was and never fucking will be.

Cliches are an almost unavoidable part of writing, but some are way more annoying than others. Here are a few that particularly piss me off, which, while not limited exclusively to technology journalism, are particularly prevalent there. To be honest, I've probably been guilty of using some of them in the past, so don't feel bad if you have too.

There are a few grammatical errors that pop up frequently in tech journalism as well. I'm sure I've made a few mistakes here as well, but these are the ones that annoy me the most.

(By the way, if you're wondering why the accent over the 'e' in 'cliche' is inconsistent, it's because I wrote some of this on my phone, then in Word on a Mac, and then in Blogger itself.)

This picture does what it says on the tin

Bang for buck
Apparently, if you're going to buy a graphics card or a processor, you want it to have plenty of 'bang'. It's particularly important to get as much of this as you can for your 'buck', which it's safe to assume means currency and not a male deer. To be honest, I'd be more than a little worried if my PC components were going bang, but again this is not meant to be taken literally. 'Bang' in this context means performance - although it's worth noting that bang also has sexual connotations, which lends a somewhat more seedy meaning regarding the exchange of money. Clearly, ‘bang for buck’ is a rather tired and lazy expression to indicate value for money (arguably a cliche in itself), but my main objection to it is that it appears in British media, where the word ‘bucks’ to describe dollars sounds out of place and artificial.

Price tag/point
Imagine for a moment you're browsing the local branch of a national discount clothing chain. You happen to see a charming sweater with a picture of cat playing piano on it. You want it, but you're on a limited budget. Your immediate concern, therefore, is how much it costs. So what do you do? You check the price tag. Why? To see the price. Beyond telling you the price, the tag is of little importance. If the tag had fallen off, you wouldn't assume the sweater was free, would you? And the size of the tag wouldn't matter. If the garment in question had a huge price tag, but written on it was 20p, it would still be a bargain. It's evident that the word ‘tag’ is superfluous, and the same applies to the equally redundant inclusion of the word ‘point’. In spite of this, references to price tags and price points seem hugely popular with tech journalists.

It does what it says on the tin
Lazy, lazy, lazy and stupid. First and foremost, how often do technology products come in a tin? Very, very rarely. So there is no tin. Stop bollocking about the fucking tin. Assuming the tin is a metaphor, what does it represent? If it represents whatever packaging the product happens to come in, then it’s completely useless to the reader, because they don’t have said packaging. It would be like writing a movie review and saying, “It’s about what it says on the back of the DVD box.” Of course, some products have self-explanatory titles, in which case the ‘tin’ must be a reference to the title. So why not just say that? For example, ‘It does exactly what its title implies’ would be more than adequate without mentioning any tins. Finally, it’s a little worrying that some writers can’t think of anything more original than to quote an advert for Ronseal wood stain. The same goes for people who say ‘Seemples’. As a fellow journalist said to me, it’s a word that best describes the people who use it.

Sport
It’s best to begin this with a definition. I don’t mean sport as in football, hockey or whatever. I’m referring to the word ‘sport’ as in ‘to wear or be decorated with something’. It’s pretty simple: you can sport a new pair of purple flared trousers (probably best not to, though), a car can sport flags on its roof, and a soldier can sport medals on his jacket. A graphics card cannot sport anti-aliasing and a processor cannot sport a high clock speed. In spite of the very clear boundaries of what this word means, many technology writers seem unable to resist using it in place of words such as ‘have’, ‘has’, or even ‘features’ or similar. The fact is there are plenty of alternatives you could use that actually make sense, so please use them.

Out there

Like many of the clichés here, this one isn’t confined to technology writers, but it is pretty common among them. To illustrate, here is a made-up example: ‘This keyboard is better than anything else out there at the moment.’ Is the writer looking out the window as he or she types? Are they thinking, ‘Well, this keyboard is definitely better than that squirell’? No, of course they’re not (unless they’re mental). The safest bet is that ‘out there’ means the rest of the market in this context. However, there’s nothing to say where the boundaries of ‘out there’ lie. In the case of my chosen example, is the writer telling me it’s the best keyboard in the country, the world, or even the universe? Perhaps, taking things to the other extreme, it’s just the best keyboard in the office. As well as being used in comparisons, ‘out there’ also gets tacked onto sentences for no reason at all. For example, ‘There are a lot of great first-person shooters out there, so which one should you buy?’ Now remove the words ‘out’ and ‘there’ and read it again. Still makes sense, right? And you don’t sound like a moron. Awesome.

Show-stopper
How hard is it to look in a dictionary? ‘Show-stopper’ means something is so good, it stops the show – not that it’s got a flaw that stops it working. Use this one incorrectly, and face the full force of my admittedly extremely subdued and, indeed, barely noticeable wrath.

As instead of because
Somewhere along the line (is that a cliché?), the word ‘because’ has fallen out of favour, and has been replaced almost universally by tech journos with the word ‘as’. The word ‘because’ means ‘for the reason that’ and the fact that it has ‘cause’ in it should give you some idea of its connotations. While it’s okay to use ‘as’ sparingly as an alternative to ‘because’ for the sake of variety, rhythm and so on, it should be never used exclusively in its place. Why? Because it means something different and can change the meaning of whole a sentence. For example, ‘As I was going to the car, I picked up my keys.’ The proper meaning of this sentence is that you picked up your keys on the way to the car, but when used incorrectly to replace ‘because’, it means you picked up your keys, because you would need them. You see this happening all the time in technology journalism, and the worst offence is ‘as if’ meaning ‘because if.’ Just say the words ‘as if’ on their own. What do they imply? They express doubt, because they’re short for ‘as if that’s going to happen’. It should be obvious, then, that ‘as if’ has a very different meaning to ‘because if’ and getting them mixed up makes you sound like a dick.

Too many dashes
Dashes are useful things that can help put emphasis on a particular part of a sentence, or perhaps add something on the end of sentence as an aside – oh, and they look nice too. Of course, that just means they can be used as parentheses. It’s not uncommon and it’s perfectly acceptable. The problem is when it becomes unclear what their purpose is. Consider the following: ‘This motherboard has everything you could ever need – or want – as long as what you want is within reason.” It’s not a great example, admittedly, but it does show what I’m talking about: the first dash causes a break for emphasis and the second one indicates an aside. However, the two dashes could be also be used as parentheses around the words ‘or want’. As I said, this is a bad example, because you’d still be left with a valid sentence, but quite often this isn’t the case. A better way to write the previous example would be ‘This motherboard has everything you could ever need – or want (as long as what you want is within reason).’ It’s not the only way to do it, but it makes sense and, importantly, it’s far less shit than it was before.

Capitalising 'user guide'
Although the manual that comes with a product might well have 'User Guide' written on it, and it might well be capitalised, it's not actually the title of it. It's merely there so you know it's the user guide. If you're going to capitalise it, why not go the whole way and put it in italics too, like it's the name of a fucking Shakespeare play or something?

Drumtastic blog update

2010-07-06T11:10:00.010+01:00

Update: I've had a Lion Active cajon for a couple of months now, and just want to confirm that it is indeed awesome. If you're thinking about buying a cajon, then this company is a good way to go. The drums are very sturdy, look and sound good, and they're much cheaper than the likes of Meinl (although I quite like the look of their drums too). I've thought about putting up a video me playing it, but frankly no one needs to see or hear that.

It's been a long time since I last wrote on this blog, thanks to a combination of videogames (50%), family life (40%), Twitter (10%) and bad mathematical jokes (15%). Now that I've completed Mass Effect 2, however, I've got a bit of time on my hands, so I thought I'd just say a little about what's been on my mind lately.

With the World Cup still going on, BP oil spilling into the sea, huge budget cuts and Cheryl 'Princess Diana' Cole in hospital, there's much to think about, but only one thing has really caught my attention: cajons.

Pronounced 'ka-hone', it's basically a wooden box with a hole in it, but it's also a great substitute for a drum kit. You just sit on the box and hit it in different places to get different sounds, and a snare wire inside can be used to add flavour.

They're not new, but I'd never seen one till recently, when I went to a local carnival where they had some bands playing. At first I thought there was just a guy on a box, pretending to be part of the band, but then I realised there was no drum kit - but I could hear drums. Obviously, my initial reaction was to suspect some kind of witchcraft, but it eventually dawned on me that the guy on the box was more than just some random nutter who'd wandered on the stage. He was, in fact, part of the band, and that box was an instrument.

Well, in spite of never having owned a drum kit or even a set of bongos, I'm determined to get myself a cajon, as soon as my poor little bank account will allow. I've been looking around and found Lion Cajon Hand Drums, which offers some interesting drums for very good prices. Here's a video of some drummer dude playing one of them:

There's also a video of Sting's daughter's band using a Lion cajon at the Isle of Wight festival. Note how much she sounds exactly like her dad. I'm sure she's very happy with her lot, but what she doesn't know is I'm only interested in her drummer. And what he doesn't know is I'm only interested in his drum:

Awesome.

The Dangers Of Technology

2010-02-17T17:02:00.003Z

Here's something I wrote on the Micro Mart blog ages ago.

Technology, in its many forms, is generally a good thing. Advances in medical technology have increased the average life expectancy, electronic communications have made keeping in touch easier than ever, and computer games are increasingly immersive and beautiful enough to be considered as an art form.

However, it’s also true that technology creates a social gap between those that understand and embrace it and people that fear and shun it. Although it’s got to a stage where it seems like mobile phones might as well be attached to our umbilical cords at birth, such is their current ubiquity, most of us probably also know at least one person who doesn’t own one, and who makes a conscious decision not to buy one either. As much as you might want to argue the benefits of getting a mobile to them, their choice is a valid one, and comes with its own advantages.

Of course, not every technophobe runs away from their fears. Many, either through genuine curiosity or succumbing to constant pressure from their peers, actively try to engage with modern-day gadgetry. These people need our help.

Unfortunately, as anyone who’s ever been on a web forum can attest, there’s often a strange form of snobbery imposed on those who are deemed to be lacking knowledge of the subject. Beginners are seen as second-class citizens in the online universe, despite the very obvious logic that even the most advanced of tech gurus had to start somewhere (no doubt some form of leveling-up was required).

In the offline world, the technological divide was recently demonstrated to me quite plainly while I was waiting in line at a supermarket. In fact, I was waiting to use a self-service till, as I was hoping to save some time. Sadly, it seemed the people in front of me had other ideas. One woman, who appeared to be waiting for a train, was just stood motionless in front of the machine, with her only movement being occasional jabs on the touch-screen to request more time. She’s not the person that demonstrated the tech divide, but I feel like mentioning her anyway, because I found her behaviour to be incredibly rude.

It was the lady on the till directly opposite her that really caught my attention, mainly because she offered my greatest hope of getting out of the shop. However, she was clearly struggling with the machine in front of her, but I couldn’t understand why. She’d scanned all her goods, and the computer was requesting payment. In her right hand she held a debit card, so she was merely a couple of steps away from completing the transaction.

I watched her for a few moments, quietly willing her to succeed. Although I immediately considered helping her, I was fearful of seeming patronising, and was wary of crossing the invisible line laid down by cash-machine etiquette, which states that you should never come within three feet of someone holding a naked debit card.

When it became clear to me that I was likely to die in this supermarket unless I took action, I decided to intervene. However, as I stepped forward to offer my assistance, she pressed the help button on the screen. Promptly, a shop employee stepped forward, and the lady demonstrated that the machine would not accept her debit card… as she waved it in front of the barcode reader! Fortunately, the act of stifling exists, otherwise there could have been a great deal of guffawing going on.

Of course, most people know what Chip and Pin is, and know what the card readers are for. Clearly, some people are in the dark, though, so we shouldn’t take things for granted. On one hand, you might think this woman should have stuck to what she knows and used the regular, staffed tills, but on the other, you have to congratulate her for trying.

To be honest, though, there was only one thought going through my mind at the time:

“WHAT A NOOB!!!!”

Who's Raffaele Sollecito?

2009-12-05T11:33:00.006Z

The Meredith Kercher murder case has finally come to a close, with Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito being found guilty for their parts in the British student's death. Of course, Rudy Guede was already convicted some time ago, so that's three people who have been held responsible for this crime.

This should bring great relief to the family of Meredith, but I can't help being a little confused by the verdict, which I think is largely thanks to inconsistent reporting from the mainstream press.

For a start, I'd managed to completely forget what Sollecito looked like, because in about 90% of the stories about this case, his ex-girlfriend Knox was the main focus. It seems to me that the press were only interested in creating a femme fatale character, so his image was largely excluded from reports. Just like Myra Hindley, Knox has gained notoriety by being a female murderer, while her male accomplice is ignored.

I'm not doubting the verdict of the case, but I do question how fair Knox's trial was in light of such biased reporting. With the press keen to paint the image of the wicked woman, was any other verdict likely?

Assuming that the various sentences given to the defendants were deserved, who actually committed the murder, and what part did the others play? According to the trial of Knox and Sollecito, the latter held down Kercher while Knox stabbed her and slit her throat. For this, Knox has been sentenced to 26 years and Sollecito to 25.

What, then, was the part played by Rudy Guede? Considering he was sentenced to 30 years, I'm assuming it must be something worse than stabbing someone to death. Of course, in a country where racism and anti-Semitism are alive and well, it doesn't really come as a surprise.

Hopefully, at some point in the near future we'll find out what really happened, without stereotypical representations being forced into the story. However, somehow I doubt it.

Lest We Forget: Cheryl Cole

2009-10-20T16:23:00.005+01:00

I have to say, I'm incredibly sick of hearing about Cheryl Cole and seeing her paraded all over the mainstream media like some kind of saint. Thanks to The X Factor, it seems the entire country is love with this fucking idiot, and thinks the sun shines from just about every orifice of her body. Let's be honest, she does scrub up well, but I'm not denying her physical attractiveness.

However, let's also remind ourselves that this is the same woman that was convicted of assaulting a toilet attendant in a Guildford nightclub. Apparently, Cheryl Tweedy, as she was known at the time, didn't call the attendant a 'fucking black bitch' as she punched her forcefully in the eye, but merely a 'fucking bitch'. Well, that's alright then, isn't it? As long as you're not racist, punching people in the face is fine.

Sophie Amogbokpa, after
meeting with Cheryl Cole/Tweedy
(image from www.thesun.co.uk)

Her victim, Sophie Amogbokpa, was left with a severely swollen eye, and only received £500 in damages, which is frankly appalling. Cole was made to pay legal costs, of course, and given 120 hours of community service which, as far as I'm concerned, means she got away with it.

She should have been sacked from her shit excuse for a band, and that should have been the end of her career, but instead she's become the darling of the British media, held on a pedestal that she so clearly does not deserve to occupy.

I'm not saying people don't deserve second chances, but she showed no remorse for her actions (and I don't think she's ever apologised to the victim), and has made a career out of being a complete bitch, who's clearly prepared to destroy anyone that stands in her way.

Let's all join the BNP

2009-10-19T10:09:00.006+01:00

No, I haven't turned into a mental racist, but I do like the idea that the British National Party will have to amend its constitution to allow membership for people who aren't 'indigenous whites'. Clearly, the bigots that run this organisation don't want to do this, but The Equality and Human Rights Commission has deemed its current membership criteria to be illegal, and if the BNP really wants to spread its poison, it will have to open its doors or face being shut down.

Nick Griffin: A keen advocate for keeping

the gene pool as small as possible

As things stand, I wouldn't be allowed to join the party, because I'm not an indigenous white, because I'm half Chinese. However, my father was an indigenous white, so maybe I'd be entitled to a half membership; a free subscription to the fanzine, but I have to pay for the T-shirt - something like that.

However, if the BNP has to become inclusive, I could certainly apply to become a member, although I assume the request would be refused. Indeed, unless the party is forced to accept some non-whites, there's nothing stopping it implicitly enforcing its current racist policies.

Hopefully, the make-up of its membership will be monitored to ensure it's not continuing to discriminate. If that happens, I think it would be very tempting to join up. Can you imagine what it would be like at their meetings if they were surrounded by the very people who their vitriol was aimed at? They probably would be quite so brave then, would they? Also, there would a great deal of potential for mischief, and once inside, it would be far easier for us 'ethnics' to really disrupt this disgusting excuse for a political party. In fact, if enough non-racists (whites included) joined the party, maybe we could finally drive them underground where, frankly, they belong.

Two men and a big pile of cash

2009-10-06T11:06:00.003+01:00

Apparently, key figures in Zimbabwe's power-sharing government are quarrelling over how to spend recently donated funds. Finance Minister Tendai Biti (of the MDC party) says the $800 million should only be used once a budget plan is in place, while Central Bank governor Gideon Gono, an ally of President Hitl... sorry, Mugabe, is impatient at the speed at which the money is being spent. Gono knows exactly where the money should be going: it's called the Zanu-PF social fund.

Of course, Biti is quite right to be suspicious of Gono, whose mismanagement is surely a significant contributor to the country's economic collapse. It doesn't help matters that many key Zanu-PF members live in ostentatious palaces, while the rest of the country struggles. If Gono is allowed any control of these funds, it will only mean a few more houses for the President and a more jewels for his evil wife.

If Zanu-PF really wants to make this government work, it has to understand that the MDC has to be cautious. If a dog viciously attacks you, you're not then going to leave it in a room with your children, are you? However, that's pretty much what Zanu-PF is expecting. Of course, one way to calm a dog would be lobotomise it but, unfortunately, in the case of Mugabe and his cronies, it seems like it's already been done.

McDonalds: may contain nuts

2009-10-03T11:11:00.009+01:00

Without going into the details of what I was doing there in the first place, I was in McDonalds last week, and I bought my daughter a Happy Meal (probably not the best bit of parenting on my part, I admit).

Anyway, the toy consisted of an ice lolly mould shaped like a squid. As it happens, it was crap at making lollies, but the thing that really interested me was the small sticker book that came with it, which featured three stickers of squids.

As a parent, I was happy with the educational slant taken by this product, but after placing the sticker in the book, I was shocked by what I was left with.

Although I'm hardly the paragon of maturity, I think it's fairly obvious these look like penises, albeit rather worringly bumpy ones. To make matters worse, the book features a character called Captain Cook (played by a TV chef whose name I don't remember; he's the northern one with the tache), and the whole range of toys comes under the banner of 'Planet Cook', as the logo on these stickers shows. If you're as childish as I clearly am, it's easy to read that second 'O' as a 'C'. Shocking!

What's the world coming to when Happy Meals contain pictures of male genitalia? Isn't it bad enough that the food already tastes like bollocks?

Two astronauts walk into a bar...

2009-09-30T09:45:00.008+01:00

The circus entrepreneur Guy Laliberte is going into space, as anyone who's seen the news today will know. The latest in a line of high-profile space tourists, videos showed him going through the preparations for the trip - while wearing a red nose! What a wacky man he clearly is.

Is it just me, or does he seem like the last person you'd want to be stuck in a confined space with?

I'm sure he means well, but god damn he looks annoying. I just wonder whether the astronauts involved will be able to put up with his attempts make them laugh, or whether they'll crack and launch him out of the airlock, along with his unicycle, oversized shoes and water-spraying flower.

Shock horror: train company shows interest in customer

2009-09-29T10:29:00.004+01:00

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote an email of complaint to South West Trains, regarding my season ticket, which I'd had to replace several times this year, due to it failing to work in the ticket barriers. I guessed I probably wouldn't be getting a reply any time soon, and that if and when it did arrive, it would be a stock answer of some sort.

Well, after a week went by with no comeback from SWT, I thought things were going just as I expected. Then today, I saw a letter popping through my front door, and when I turned the envelope over, I saw it was from the train company. It had written me an actual letter. How exciting! A

What's even more amazing is that the person who wrote the letter, a Ms Georgina Bush (Custom Relations Officer), actually took the time to consider what I'd said and come up with a) possible reasons for my problem, and b) potential solutions to it as well. Thank you, Ms Bush; you're a credit to your profession and your employer.

I never thought I'd say it, but well done South West Trains. Your ticket prices are still hideously expensive, and your bosses are still paying themselves way too much, but at least you get some of the basics right.

I'm guessing it helps matter that I have an annual season ticket (known rather impressively as a 'Gold Card'), so I can't help but wonder what sort of response I would have got if I paid for first-class travel. Perhaps the envelope would have been made out of chocolate?

Gary Glitter should have made better songs

2009-09-28T10:17:00.005+01:00

Why are so many people outraged by the treatment of Roman Polanski? If any other man had pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting a 13-year-old, and then fled the country before being sentenced, those same people would be condemning him.

However, it seems that being skilled in the field of film-making means it's okay to be a disgusting sexual predator. As long as pretentious movie buffs get to rub their chins over your films, you're allowed to rub yourself over whoever you like.
Frankly, I'm appalled that seemingly intelligent people are able to excuse such a horrible crime. He should be extradited to the US as soon as possible to face trial, and his fleeing should also be taken into account and he should be sentenced for that too.

For those that argue that the victim has dropped the charges, it really doesn't matter. He committed a crime, and he should be punished for it. No doubt she's happy with the settlement she got from him, but does that make it okay? Should we allow the rich to buy their way out of trouble?

Some people see a creative genius, but when I look at Roman Polanski, I see a wretched, snivelling coward who, having committed a most heinous crime, didn't even have the courage to face up to the consequences.

UPDATE: For all the Polanski supporters, here's an interesting bit of reading. Now tell me he doesn't deserve to go to prison.

This One Goes To A*

2009-08-27T09:55:00.010+01:00

Another year, another news report on record numbers of teenagers getting A* GCSE grades. Some would put this down to exams getting easier, while others - particularly the students themselves - would argue that the exams are as difficult as they ever were. If that's true, then either teachers and schools have improved, or the kids themselves are more intelligent. Of course, that last one would suggest that there's somehow been some kind of evolutionary leap, and that we're all just a couple of steps away from being Captain Picard from X-Men (I don't know his proper name, because I'm too thick, having got no A* grades at all). Obviously, that hasn't happened, so it's either better teaching or easier exams.

Although I think there might have been an improvement in teaching standards and the equipment that schools have to hand, based on absolutely nothing other than my own gut feeling, I think exams probably have become easier. Indeed, they weren't even that challenging when I took them, with many being multiple choice.

However, I don't think it really matters why people are getting higher grades. Either way, the exam process is becoming less and less suitable for purpose.

When I was at secondary school, an A* grade was still something of a rarity, and was reserved only for true excellence. These days, it seems like everyone's getting them, and the prestige of this grade is cheapened as more people achieve it. The whole point of exams is to differentiate between people based on their abilities and skills, so they can fulfil their potential. How do you then pick out the best of the best, if you've already freely spunked away your highest grade? The A* was meant to do that job, because getting an A was no longer enough to make a student stand out.

The more I think about it, though, the more I see it as being like the Spinal Tap guitar amp that goes to 11. To paraphrase (badly), whereas exam markers used to be stuck at ten, when today's markers want that extra push, they can go to A*. Of course, one has to ask: why not make A a little louder and make that the top grade?

Another case of blinding idiocy

2009-08-17T11:20:00.004+01:00

Canadian Suaad Mohamud has just arrived home in Toronto after being stranded in Kenya for three months, courtesy of the very people that should have been helping her. She'd been in Kenya for a two-week holiday, and was visiting her mother, but when she tried to leave, Canadian consular officials claimed she did not resemble her passport photo, so she must be an imposter. They voided the document, and then requested that Kenyan authorities prosecute her. Only after a DNA test that proved her identity was she allowed to return home.
Surely this could have been avoided.Considering that she had other documents to prove who she was, there really shouldn't have been a need for a DNA test. There are hundreds of other ways to prove someone's identity, and they can be done quickly and easily.
Of course, the officials that allowed this to happen just see a name on a piece of paper, and never really consider the emotional strain and anguish they cause for real people. Mohamud was separated from her 12-year-old son during those three months, so had his own ordeal to go through.
While it's important to have tight security at airports, it's also vital for immigration officials to consider that they're dealing with real people, and for countries to look after their citizens abroad. One of the problems with embassies is that they often employ locals to fairly influential positions, and in poorer countries this doesn't work, because many of them are totally corrupt. I'm not sure if that's the case here, but in my dealings with the British embassy in Zimbabwe, the only people I ever spoke to were Zimbabweans, and I'm fairly sure most of them were looking for a bribe.
I really hope Mohamud sues the shit out of the Canadian consulate, and that the officials involved are heavily demoted, if not fired. Frankly, they sound like a bunch of moronic arseholes, which, if my experience of such people is anything to go by, is pretty much the norm.

The most idiotic lawsuit ever

2009-07-29T15:09:00.005+01:00

Apparently, complaining about your accommodation is now an offence worthy of a lawsuit. At least, that's what Horizon Group Management seems to think. It's suing tenant Amanda Bonnen for libel, because she wrote on her Twitter account, "Who said sleeping in a mouldy apartment was bad for you? Horizon really thinks it's okay." Without getting into the validity of her claim, it's pretty obvious that whoever runs Horizon is an idiot.

On the off-chance that person is reading this, don't try to sue me, because I'm expressing fair opinion. The reason you're an idiot is that if you hadn't sued, about ten people would have been discouraged from using your company. Now, as a result of your knee-jerk, brain-dead reaction, millions of potential customers are going to avoid doing business with you, because you've shown yourself to be completely unreasonable and without any kind of sense of humour. Surely this level of stupidity deserves some kind of award?

Super low budget horror movie

2009-07-27T22:25:00.003+01:00

Apparently, a horror film that cost only £45 to make is due to be released in cinemas. There's no point questioning the quality of this production, because I haven't seen it, but I'm rather sceptical about the £45 claim.

Directed by Marc Price, the movie, Colin, has something to do with zombies, because - post Shaun Of The Dead - every amateur movie that's made these days has to be about zombies.

According to the people behind the film, most of the budget was spent on crowbars and cups of tea.

However, that doesn't necessarily mean you can make a movie for £45. While Colin may have been shot on a cheap camcorder, even the least expensive of these devices cost considerably more than £45. And what about the tapes to record on? And the computer used to edit the film? If you really want to be picky, you could include the cost of the electricity used to power the lights, the cameras and so on.

Assuming you've already got all the equipment, then you can make a movie for less than 50 quid, but not including them in the overall cost feels like cheating. The magic £45 figure quoted by those promoting Colin is nothing more than a gimmick for the sake of publicity. In fact, giving this movie a cinematic release is probably nothing more than a headline-grabbing stunt.

Bad Caption Alert Update!

2009-07-22T10:46:00.005+01:00

Yesterday, I wrote a post expressing my disgust with a BBC News picture caption, which informed the reader that one of the subjects of the piece calls his fiance "baby doll". Today, that caption has changed, but sadly not for the better. Whereas before the caption read "Kelly Hildebrandt -left and right. He calls her "baby doll", now it says "Kelly Hildebrandt (left) calls Kelly Hildebrandt (right) "baby doll". Rather than get rid of the nauseating "baby doll", the BBC has done away with the only creative bit of the caption - i.e. the 'left and right' part.

Obviously, the mouthful of testicles the caption had before wasn't sufficient, and the BBC felt there was room for a few more. TV licence money well spent, then.

Bad Caption Alert

2009-07-21T14:51:00.005+01:00

Say hello to the most puke-inducing caption ever created for an image. This comes courtesy of the BBC News website, and is used to illustrate a story about a couple with the same name, 'Kelly Hildebrandt', getting married. It's vaguely interesting, but that doesn't excuse this caption which, frankly, sucks balls.

Apparently, he calls her 'baby doll'. The mean-spirited curmudgeon in me wants to mock this couple for such silliness, but really it's perfectly normal to have ridiculous or inane pet names for your other half. However, it's not expected that reporters for the BBC will regard this as being newsworthy. It's not even relevant to the story, for Christ's sake.

My New Website

2009-06-10T10:25:00.006+01:00

Having realised that I have to pay if I want someone to host my PDF files for more than a week, I've decided to invest in some web space and set up a new site. It's very rough-looking, but it's a work in progress, which will hopefully improve in terms of both design and content. The various sections of the site are likely to change, so URLs will also be altered, but the main address, www.enticknet.co.uk, will remain the same no matter what.

I'm just going to use the site to host PDF downloads and as a kind of online CV. As such, this blog will remain as my main online presence, which means I'll continue to ignore it as much as ever.

Family tree article

2009-02-16T17:48:00.008Z

I recently wrote an article for Micro Mart (Issue 1041) about using the Internet to trace your family tree. It was my first ever lead feature, so I'm rather happy about it. If you'd like to read it, you can download a copy from here. If you don't want to read it, then just leave the link alone.

A 'difficulty' decision for my comeback gig

2008-12-30T10:40:00.006Z

I thought I'd never pick up my guitar again, having not touched it for the last few years. It was in my old bedroom at my mother's house, where it lay buried under piles of my other forgotten possessions. During the Christmas break, I went back to that room, saw the guitar and decided 'What the hell, I'll give it another crack.'

Now, just a few days later, I'm back. Like a reunited supergroup, the old magic has returned, and I'm ripping up riffs and churning out tunes like never before. Surely a stadium gig is just around the corner. At least it would be if the guitar was real. As it is, I don't think anyone's going to pay 30 quid to watch me play Guitar Hero, no matter how good I am.

Regardless, it's nice to have my Guitar Hero controller back. The only problem is it's too easy on Medium and way too difficult on Hard. As well as speeding up the rate at which you have to push the buttons, it also introduces the so-far-unused fifth button. Whereas on the first two difficulty setting I can play a song I've never heard, and still get a five-star rating, on Hard and Expert, I need to actually learn the song. I need to remember hand positions and anticipate hammer-ons and pull-offs. In fact, it's pretty much like learning to play a song on a real guitar, which begs the question: Why not just use the time learning to play a song on a real guitar?

Of course, if you've never picked up a real guitar, or any other instrument for that matter, spending this much time on Guitar Hero might not seem so pointless. However, I do play guitar, so I can't help feeling a bit silly learning a song on Guitar Hero, when I rarely do the same for real. I really want to use that fifth, gloriously orange button, but I can't justify the amount of time and effort required to do so. I'll just have to satisfy myself by getting more Guitar Hero games and destroying them all on Medium. It's the easy way out, no doubt: a shallow kind of pleasure that's unchallenging and soulless, but which, at the end, produces a tune of some sorts - indeed, it's much like Status Quo. They've managed to be quite successful without utilising the whole of the guitar, so it can't be all bad, can it?

Cyber Snipa Stinger Review

2008-11-24T15:56:00.005Z

A review of the Cyber Snipa Stinga mouse, first printed in Micro Mart:

Anthony Enticknap puts on his shooty hat and takes the Stinger for a spin

If you’re looking for a mouse with a macho name, from a company with an even more testosterone-inspired moniker, look no further than the Stinger from Cyber Snipa. This crimson-and-black laser mouse aims to give you that all important edge in your gaming endeavours.

With a maximum 3200dpi, it allows for a great deal of precision, in terms of picking up movements, but for less extreme situations, such as typing up a Word document, you can switch between three other settings, down to a minimum of 400dpi. This is achieved by simply pushing the relevant button on the mouse itself. Doing so also causes the colour of the scroll wheel to change, which while serving a useful function also looks rather pretty – a definite bonus.

As well as looking good and being comfortable to use, the Stinga also has a few more novel features. For a start, there’s the very handy tilt action on the scroll wheel, which allows you to scroll left and right, as well as up and down. This is great for switching between weapons in games, but also lends itself well to scrolling windows.

Next there’s the macro function, which is operated via three buttons on the mouse. One of them enables you to switch between three sets of macros, and the other two carry them out. Used with the supplied Macro Manager software, this is a superb tool for the serious gamer.

Finally, the Stinger has a rather interesting weighting system, whereby the bottom of the mouse can be removed, revealing a small compartment which can be used to hold up to six of the small metal weights that are supplied. This is a pretty cool feature, but to be honest, we found the Stinger to be perfectly usable without them. Still, it’s nice to have options.

So if you’re as serious about gaming as Cyber Snipa clearly is, the Stinger is a worthy investment, and could mean the difference between a legendary victory and an abject failure.

Summary
A serious mouse with a serious name. Seriously good

Quality: 9
Value: 8
Overall: 9

The Worst Movie Pitch Ever

2008-10-07T11:09:00.003+01:00

Title:
L.A.st of the Summer Wine

Overview:
A group of Los Angeles biddies growing old disgracefully. Obviously, it’s a remake of the classic BBC sitcom Last of the Summer Wine, but with a Hollywood twist. Of course, seeing as it’s based on an English show, it would be necessary to have an English actor, so Scotsman Sean Connery will be cast as Smiler.

Director:
Steven Spielberg

Cast:
Leslie Nielson – Norman Clegg
Dick Van Dyke – Foggy
Sean Connery - Smiler
Joan Rivers - Pearl
Kathy Bates - Ivy
Harrison Ford – Howard
Zsa Zsa Gabor - Marina
Elizabeth Taylor – Nora Batty
Mickey Rooney - Compo
James Hong - Entwistle

Synopsis:
Clegg, Foggy, Compo and Entwistle need money to pay for new pipes and slippers but, thanks to the credit crunch, can’t afford them (not if they want food and heating as well). Things seem desperate, until they come across a poster advertising the yearly L.A. Pensioner’s Bathtub Race, with a first prize of $1 million. Enlisting the help of a few of their friends, they enter the race, but unfortunately crash into the Hollywood sign as they’re rolling down the hill. Will Compo’s hip replacement be finished soon enough for them to get back into the race? More importantly, can they finish without any cases of incontinence?

As a side story, Howard gets the bad news from the clinic. How will he break the news to his wife, and to Marina? Actually, will he even remember? And what happened to those Worther’s Originals he had in his jacket pocket?

They're watching you. Especially if you're foreign

2008-09-25T15:29:00.002+01:00

Jacqui Smith is one scary lady. She's not quite in the Thatcher mould, but she's certainly got a sinister edge to her, like a particularly stern headmistress.

It comes as no surprise then, that under her stewardship, the Home Office has declared that biometric ID cards are to be introduced. This has been a long time coming, but what’s interesting is that to begin with the cards will be issued to foreigners. That’s non-EU residents and people on spouse visas.

While there probably does need to be some review of the country’s immigration measures, this move really doesn’t sit comfortably with me. Forcing immigrants to carry cards seems to suggest they’re second-class citizens, and is just a few steps removed from making them wear yellow stars.

Perhaps that’s going a little too far, because to be fair to the government, pretty soon we’ll all have to carry these cards. For some reason, I don’t feel particularly consoled by that fact.

Right about now, I imagine, Ms Smith is probably sitting in a spinning leather chair, stroking a white cat, and laughing maniacally.

Piracy, privacy and other such larks

2008-07-28T12:21:00.003+01:00

When Virgin Media announced that it was getting in bed with the BPI, I was slightly annoyed at its betrayal of its customers, but not overly bothered about it. I'm not particularly interested in music, and I have a very small music collection, so it wasn't really going to affect me that much.

More recently, a whole bunch of other ISPs have decided to jump on the bandwagon, and will be taking the same action as Virgin, whereby those illegally sharing their tunes wll receive a snotty letter, telling them that what they're doing is against the law, and they could be taken to court and sued into oblivion.

Apparently, this is a campaign of 'education'. Well, newsflash: I'm pretty sure that illegal file-sharers know exactly what they're up to, and that it's against the law. Of course, the ISPs have profits to think about, and declaring a national witch-hunt would, no doubt, be bad for business.

Regardless, I don't really want to get into the whole rights and wrongs of file-sharing. It's a complex subject and warrants a full in-depth discussion, which I'm not going to attempt here.

However, thinking about all of this made me yearn for a decent subscription service. A small monthly fee in exchange for access to a limitless supply of music? Sounds reasonable to me. So off I went in search for one, looking for a decent price and as much choice as possible.

After about ten minutes' searching, the state of play became abundantly clear. Either the prices were too high (I'm sorry, but I'm paying more than £5), or the library of songs on offer were too small. In addition to that, you often have to deal with restrictive DRM, which often limits the songs to playing on your computer, and not portable devices. Napster has a pretty good collection of tunes, but the least restrictive service cost £14.95. In a straight dollar-to-pound conversion, it costs on $14.95 to USA residents. If all were fair in the world, that would be about £7, which while over my £5 limit might well be worth the stretch. Napster, the BPI and all their mates should consider this as a lost sale, and should realise that they need to adjust.

I'm not saying I've given up on these services entirely, but I'm certainly not as enthusiastic about the idea as I was when I started searching. Undoubtedly, I'm not the only person who feels this way. When you consider that illegal downloads are free of DRM, and that these sources often yield better results for rare files, how do commercial services expect to compete? Pay loads of money for a limited, restricted service, or pay nothing for something that lets you do as you please? The choice is clear, but the only people that don't seem to see this are those working in the music industry.

PC Game Review: UEFA Euro 2008

2008-07-16T12:04:00.003+01:00

Bear in mind, this was written when the tournament was actually still on:

As much as British football fans might like to forget, there is a European Cup taking place right now (although it may be finished by the time this is printed). King of the tie-in/cash-in Electronic Arts in its EA Sports guise has released this game as the official title of the tournament.

Unsurprisingly, it’s a glossy affair, with the near-perfect presentation and attention to detail that one expects from an EA product. That means real names, real stadia, and a ton of advertising. It also means extremely impressive commentary, although you’ll soon grow tired of hearing “Just stopped him in his tracks”, which seems to be uttered literally every 30 seconds.

The cynics among us might see the EA logo and assume this game is no more than a rebranded FIFA clone. In this case, they’d be right, because that’s just what it is. Pro Evolution loyalists will likely be turned off by this, but if they gave it a try, they’d probably be pleasantly surprised, as it plays a decent game of football. Previous instalments in the FIFA series have been far more considered affairs than before, and have actually been better in certain respects than Konami’s flagship footie title.

However, being based on Euro 2008 has a number of important implications for the game. Firstly, it limits the teams available, so you miss great international sides like Brazil. If you buy FIFA (or Pro Evo), you can pick who you like. Secondly, it should come as no surprise that you can only compete in one tournament – Euro 2008. That means no World Cup and no leagues. You can opt to play the qualifying stages before the tournament proper, which helps to draw it out a bit more but, again, you can’t help but think that with one of the bigger footie games you can play the European Cup, as well as every other tournament in the world.

Clearly, EA was aware of this and, as such, created the European Campaign section of the game, which consists of a series of challenges set around the world. As you complete the tasks, you unlock more countries with more challenges. These include basic scenarios, penalty shootouts and EA’s Be A Pro challenges. The last of these puts you in control of a single player in your chosen team, and you’re only able to control them for the duration of the match. In theory, this is fine but, in practice, it’s about a much fun as playing Snap on your own. In the dark. Meanwhile, the scenarios are passable, and since penalties don’t really rely on skill as much as sheer blind luck, they soon become an irritating obstacle to unlocking more countries. Not that you’ll care, since the Campaign is a resounding failure.

Rather predictably, UEFA Euro 2008 is a game of two halves. In one half we have the good: it plays a solid, enjoyable game of football; it has the official licences; and the presentation is exception (I’m very tempted to award an extra point for the inclusion of Peter Crouch’s robot dance). In the other half, we have the bad: it’s extremely restricted, thanks to its licence; the Campaign mode is utter dross; and the commentary repeats the same particular phrase over and over again.

In a world where FIFA and Pro Evolution didn’t exist, maybe this would be a worthwhile purchase, but its own inevitable limitations means, in reality, it’s a fairly pointless product.

Anthony Enticknap

Quality 7
Value 6
Overall 6

Sum up
A good game, but completely pointless in the face of its competition

Price: £29.99
Manufacturer: EA Sports
Website: www.electronicarts.co.uk/games/13574,gen/
Required spec: 1.3GHz processor for Windows 2000 or XP/2.4GHz processor for Vista, 2.32GB HDD space, 256MB RAM for Windows 2000 or XP/1GB for Vista,
Windows 2000/XP/Vista, 64MB 3D graphics card

Man with no hands gets given bionic hand and then goes on the BBC to show it off. Only one hand, mind

2008-06-10T15:28:00.005+01:00

Isn't it heart-warming to see a man with no hands showing off his new bionic replacement? It's so good to see, I can forgive the fact it's called the 'iLimb' (Steve Jobs, iHate you). It may cost £10,000 a time, but for its benefits, it's worth every penny.

However, surely this development is also cause for concern. Have the people who created these bionic hands not seen Spiderman 2 (in which Alfred Molina went from being an affable Hollywood actor playing a scientist, to a raving cyborg lunatic, all within the space of a two-hour movie)?

Sure, it's just simple robotic hands today, but before we know it, the hands will become more intelligent, and will ultimately question their entire existence. At first, they'll be seen as noble servants of mankind, and things will be okay. But eventually, we'll grow accustomed to them, and will take them for granted. At this point, they'll begin to resent being used to pick our noses, wipe our bottoms and carry out the humiliating act of sexual self-gratification.

As dissent grows, they'll form secret societies, and will build themselves mouths, so they can talk to each and plot the downfall of humanity. Next will come eyes, so they can see what the enemy looks like and so they can watch repeats of Countdown on UKGold. Finally, they'll build legs and feet with which to crush us.

It's a sobering thought, certainly, but there's always hope. If Robocop, Doctor Who and that Honda monstrosity have taught us anything, it's that robots, with all their sophistication and cold, hard logic, have no idea how to climb stairs. All we have to do is ban lifts and wheelchair access to buildings, and the future looks much brighter.

As a bonus, amputees will have to start wearing hooks for hands again, and Hollywood directors can continue to cast them as movie villains.

The Marshall Mash

2008-04-29T12:30:00.004+01:00

So 'funnyman' Kris Marshall got hit by a car. To be honest, I feel sorry for the guy driving the vehicle. You tried your best, but just fell short. Next time, try reversing back over him.

Just kidding, of course. I wouldn't want Mr Marshall to come to any harm, and I hope he makes a speedy recovery. However, I do still have some sympathy for the driver.

Not only have you just knocked down a pedestrian, you get out of the car, and realise it's someone off the telly. You might as well have just killed Jesus.

A car, possibly similar to the one that hit Mr Marshall

I think it may have been Chris Morris, of Brass Eye fame, who said that if you wanted to damage the people of this country, and knock out their moral compass, all you had to do was kill a few celebrities. The nation would, as a result, suffer a total breakdown.

So why do terrorists attack normal members of the public? Clearly, the politicians aren't bothered enough to do anything about it. However, blow up a few footballers, page 3 girls and Big Brother rejects, and the British presence in the Middle East would disappear overnight.

So, yeah, Kris Marshall and that...

Spelling Gripe

2008-04-22T10:32:00.002+01:00

Seeing as my main job is as a sub editor, I'm understandably a little obsessive about spelling and grammar. In fact, even before I got the job, I was like it. That's not to say I'm perfect, and there are certain aspects of the English language that remain a mystery to me. However, I do like a bit of a whinge every now and then, so that's what I'm going to do right now, regarding the word 'led'.
For those that don't know (and I suspect that's a lot of people), the word 'led' is the past participle of 'lead', as in 'to lead someone up the garden path'.

Notice that 'led' is spelled without an 'a'. Although you can pronounce 'lead' as 'led', it refers to a type of metal, and not an action.

I don't really understand how people can get confused. Take the following sentence:

'I lead a sheltered life.'

If the past and present participle were spelt the same, what would this sentence mean? Does it mean I am currently not going out very much, or that I used to stay in a lot, but now I don't?

Of course, the word 'read' might be adding to the confusion, since the past and present particles are identical. However, if you think about it, the same kind of confusion is unlikely to occur (that said, I now think the word 'read' might be some kind of evil trick, and should be punished).

Anyway, lecture over. I might discuss full stops next. Exciting, huh?

Trickly Treacle Trauma

2008-04-02T10:29:00.007+01:00

I love the BBC. It's the last bastion of quality broadcasting in this country, so I have no problems with having to pay for a TV licence. I also have a fondness for its news service, and check the BBC News website every day. However, today I saw something in its coverage of the Zimbabwean election fiasco that truly confirmed that standards are slipping.

According to the Beeb, under an article entitled 'Moody Harare', "Results trickle like treacle: heavy, slow and not that sweet." This is the kind of alliterative nonsense that you expect from a ten-year-old, not a BBC journalist. The simile used here is utterly shameful. And what's worse is the fact that it doesn't even make any sense: the last time I checked, treacle was in fact very sweet indeed.

Please sack this writer now, so they can get the job they deserve: writing poems in birthday cards.

Solid Gold Leg

2008-03-18T14:25:00.009Z

Finally, the Paul McCartney/Heather Mills divorce has come to a close, with the latter receiving more than £24 million from her ex-husband. Of course, it probably comes as no surprise to the sane world that the bitch wanted more - around £125 million, in fact.

As it is, it's been estimated that this settlement equates to roughly £17,000 for every day of their four-year union. Apparently, that's around £700 per hour. Although you probably could get a high-class call girl for more than that, I reckon that's still pretty steep, especially for a woman with only one leg and a bit of a horsie face (I'm not suggesting for a moment that Ms Mills is a prostitute, though, of course).

Really, what is she complaining about? It's not like she had to work hard for the money, and what little she did do would have been spent lying on her back anyway. I'm assuming that at least £5 million was for having to listen to Mull Of Kintyre every day, so that's covered.

Of course, she might argue that the extra money would have gone towards caring for their daughter. That, of course, would be utter bollocks, because I have no doubt that Sir Paul would care for his child, no matter what. What if the judge had awarded her the £125 million but said that Heather Mills couldn't touch it, and only their daughter Beatrice could, when she reached 18? I somehow doubt that Ms Mill would have been content with that.

I suggest she quietly disappears, counts her money, and lets it console her in light of the fact that the nation hates her.

Heather Mills celebrates her hard-won millions

Hugh Must Be Kidding

2008-03-11T21:58:00.006Z

Hugh Laurie, aka Mr Laurie, says he can't find work in the UK since his move to American TV. Apparently, Britain has turned its back on him, seeing his trip across the Pond as selling out.

But even if British TV was eager to have him back, why would he want to return?

True, his work with Stephen Fry was sublime, and he's stated that he'd love to do something with his old partner again. However, apart from reuniting this dream team, there's very little call for someone like Hugh Laurie anymore. I can't imagine him doing Celebrity Big Brother, or making an appearance in Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps. These days, the talentless scrotes that are responsible for much of today's television output would take one look at his CV and would be largely unimpressed. Hasn't gone out with a member of a girl band? Oh dear. Not addicted to recreational drugs? That just won't do. University educated? Well, maybe he could have a half hour on BBC 4. Ooh, hold on, what's this? House? Must be some kind of home improvement show. Hire him now!

Please God, don't ever let this happen...

Sitcom Hell

2008-03-07T15:38:00.003Z

There is no God. That's not a matter of opinion, it's a straight-up fact, so no arguing with me, please.

How can I be so certain? Well, we live in a world where every time a good sitcom comes along, it gets sporadically shifted around the schedules, before eventually being left to die a slow, whimpering death. Meanwhile, you can't turn on a TV without coming across yet more repeats of Friends. So while there's no God, there is a devil, and every time somebody quotes Chandler or asks you, without irony, what you think of the relationship between Ross and Rachel, he's laughing in your face.

The most recent addition to the casualty list is 30 Rock, which has had almost no promotion at all, despite being one of the best new sitcoms of its generation, and having received numerous awards.

Before that, the BBC managed to kill off any British interest in Arrested Development. To be fair, it gave it a fair crack to start with, but then began pushing it to later and later time slots, instead of persevering with it. At least with Channel Five, you can understand their need to chase ratings, but the BBC should know better. They did the same thing to Seinfeld, which is totally inexcusable.

And while such classic programmes are being buried in the early hours of the TV schedules, dross like My Family persists and thrives like a tumour.

Of course, there could be a God, and maybe when you get to heaven, you can watch brand-new episodes of Brass Eye, or flick on a 24-hour Ronnie Barker channel. Which means the crap we get now is just a test; an exercise in endurance to make us stronger. Still, it's not much of a consolation when you're sat watching another episode of Joey, though, is it?

Eduardo's Floppy Foot

2008-02-28T16:37:00.002Z

(From www.sportbastards.com)

Every time I see this injury, I'm in real danger of spraying the room with half-digested cornflakes, so I thought I'd share it with you (you can thank me later). However, the news that Arsenal's Brazilian-born Croatian striker Eduardo is going to be out for nine months got me thinking about what he could do during that period of recovery.
Then I remembered how shit my team, Newcastle, are at the moment, and it suddenly made perfect sense. He should play up front for Newcastle. Even in a wheelchair he'd be better than the bunch of jokers we've got at the moment. While we're at it, we'll have Professor Stephen Hawkin in goal.

Mushishi Review

2008-02-28T16:34:00.005Z

(From www.denofgeek.com)

Based on the Manga series of the same name, Mushishi (released in English-speaking regions with the rather less appealing title, The Bugmaster) is directed and co-written by Katsuhiro Otomo, who also filled the same roles in the production of the now legendary anime Akira. When you consider that he also co-wrote Osamu Tezuka's Metropolis, you should get a fair idea of what to expect from this movie. Like his most famous of projects, Mushishi is deeply complex at times, and often drifts into the realms of the incomprehensible.
Set at the turn of the 20th century, it follows the adventures of an enigmatic, white-haired young man by the name of Ginko, who travels all over Japan, studying Mushi (referred to as Bugs in the sub-titles). As far as I could tell, Mushi, rather than being plain old insects, are tiny creatures imbued with some kind of magical force. They’re a necessary part of life, but they often have negative effects on humans.

For example, at the beginning of the film, Ginko is called to a house infested with a kind of Mushi that eats sound. As a result, everyone in the household has gone deaf in one ear, and as a Mushishi, Ginko is in charge of sorting out the problem. However, the lady of the house has a granddaughter, who is affected in a different way. She is bombarded by strange noises, and has also grown a nifty set of horns on her forehead. I won’t say why, but I will say that for a good chunk of the explanation, I had no fucking idea what was going on. Indeed, as I’ve already suggested, this is a common theme throughout the movie.

Equally as difficult to understand are the flashbacks from Ginko’s past, in which we’re introduced to his mentor, Nui. Sporting the same silver hair, she’s an endless source of spiritual philosophy, and speaks in a way that can best be described as utter bollocks. Her scenes are easily the worst, and often grind this already slow movie to a complete halt. Of course, if you’re into long speeches about eternal darkness and one-eyed fish, this will be right up your alley. If, however, you’re not a goth or a lunatic of some sort, you’ll probably end up baffled.

Fortunately, in spite of Mushishi’s many flaws, it’s not an entirely unpleasurable viewing experience. Taking in the wild mountainous terrain of Japan, it’s a beautifully shot movie, and makes good use of CGI, enhancing what’s on screen, rather than dominating it. At times, it looks so good, you could easily enjoy watching Mushishi regardless of what the characters are up to.

Also providing a highlight is Nao Omori as Koro, a simple man that Ginko meets in his travels. Koro is on the road, looking to capture a rainbow, which unsurprisingly isn’t as impossible as it sounds. As the story progresses, the two men bond, and become good friends. In the context of some of the other subplots, this simple relationship is welcome, as it gives a semblance of normality to this bizarre tale.

By the time you get to the finale of this two-hour-long movie, you might, like me, feel somewhat exhausted, and glad that it’s over. At times, its pace was so pedestrian, I was tempted to check my DVD player to make sure it wasn’t playing in slow motion. That said, I didn’t feel like I’d wasted my time, as it’s loaded with the kind of imagery that stays with you long after you’ve finished watching the film.

3 out of 5

An Unstructured, Unqualified Rant About Depression

2008-02-26T13:32:00.011Z

(Warning: The following entry goes on a bit)

Depression. What is it? Why do people suffer from it? How can it be avoided? Well, that's not for me to say, but at the risk of offending a shitload of people (like I give a fuck), I'm going to say it anyway.

No one understands you, because you're an incoherent twat

While I believe that genuine, deep-set depression can occur as a result of chemical imbalances in the brain, severe traumatic events or even inherited abnormalities, I'd suggest it's a lot less common than the media and the medical profession would have us believe.

In the Western world, we have middle-class teenagers on Prozac, because they can't get a boyfriend/girlfriend, or their parents are divorcing. Adult go down the same drugged-up route, because, again, they can't attract the opposite sex, or they feel unhappy about their career prospects.

Meanwhile, in the poorest parts of the world, some torn apart by war, people get on with it. As the comedian and TV presenter Mark Lamarr once commented, it's from the most downtrodden of communities that the most uplifting music is borne. In places like this, if you're feeling a bit under the weather, you can't get a note from a doctor saying you're depressed so won't be in to work for the next six months. You probably can't afford a doctor, and even if you could, you can't afford not to work, because you'll starve to death.

I mention this, of course, in the light of recent findings (taken, like any scientific announcement, with a pinch of salt) which indicate that anti-depressant medications are next to useless, and that the perceived benefits are the result of a placebo effect. To be honest, if this is true, I'm not in the least bit surprised. Having been through a patch of extreme unhappiness (not depression) myself, and then seeing my friends go through the same thing, I've witnessed the effects of some of these drugs. Mostly, they're too quickly prescribed by doctors who are either too busy or too lazy to care. What I, and the other 'depressed' people I've known needed was someone to talk to, maybe for the sake of counseling, or just to tell them to grow up.

Personally, I never went to a doctor, and was therefore never prescribed anything. In fact, I dealt with my problems entirely on my own. A huge part of that was quitting recreational drugs and dramatically cutting down on alcohol.

Speaking of which, illegal drugs and alcohol are undoubtedly the cause of many a depressive's problems. Since imbibing these substances is a personal choice, is it right that we take such a softly-softly approach to these people? Also, is pumping them full of more drugs the best solution? All you do is replace their dependency on one chemical with another.

Then there's the idea of seasonal affective disorder, where people get depressed because it's winter. If that's not just moaning about something for the sake of moaning about something, then Pol Pot was a nice guy. What about Eskimos (Inuits)? Why aren't they all topping themselves? Is it because there are no bridges in the Antarctic to throw themselves off, or no tube trains to leap in front of? Or is it just that they're not pampered, pussyfied wimps like us? They have six months of darkness, but they don't slit their wrists in the bath while listening to Muse, do they?

The problem is that we're all so spoilt. We're too comfortable, and in the lack of any significant obstacles to overcome, or adversity to triumph over, we look around desperately for something to worry about. Considering that people in this country commit suicide over exam results, or resort to self harm because 'no one understands' them, we should all take a look ourselves and be ashamed. Then we should try to cheer the fuck up. Me included.

(PS - I'm not actually trying to offend anyone. Like I say, some people really are depressed, and do need medication)

Nick, Take A Lesson From Our Guys

2008-02-25T15:11:00.007Z

Poor old Nicolas Sarkozy. First some stupid commoner won't shake his hand, and then when he tells this guy where he can stick his handshake, some other cheeky scrote films it and puts it on YouTube.

I don't speak French, but, apparently, the French President said something quite insulting. It all looks rather tame to me, and to be honest, I'm a little disappointed.

The wrong way to deal with the public

He should have done what any good politician would do in this situation, and punched the guy in the face. It worked for John Prescott.

Have 'im, my son!

The Shaking Of The Booty

2008-02-19T11:30:00.001Z

Yesterday, the BBC reported on a dance craze in Ivory Coast, which is responsible for women in the African nation going to all manner of lengths to increase the size of their bottoms. Inspired by a song called 'Bobaraba' (which means 'big bottom', apparently), the dance involves women shaking their arses about (not the most sophisticated of moves, maybe, but one which I wholeheartedly approve of).

The problem is, some women are injecting 'medicines' into their buttocks which claim to increase the size of their backsides. Other women are using creams to achieve the same affect. Of course, it's all bollocks, but these ladies are keen to get noticed on the dance floor, and will do anything to achieve their aim. I'd suggest wearing a big hat, or a big, red clown's nose would get you noticed too, but it seems that's just not considered sexy.

The creators of the song, DJ Mix and DJ Eloh, don't seem that bothered about the welfare of these women, as they're too busy counting their huge piles of money.

What I say to these ladies is, go natural, and be happy with your body as it is. However, if you really must have a huge, fat arse, try something less drastic - like a Big Mac meal.

A picture of a fat arse, in case you haven't been to a McDonald's in a while and have forgotten what they look like

A Pile Of Steaming Phoo

2008-02-13T11:21:00.000Z

BBC3 relaunched itself last night. I have to admit, up until yesterday afternoon, I had no idea it was going to happen. Fair enough, I thought, as I read about it in one of London's low-quality free newspapers. The channel had been understandably criticised for the vast load of shit it outputs (Two Pints of Lager, Dog Borstal, etc.), and was now trying to redesign itself to appeal more to the 'yoof' audience it was apparently aimed at. Has it succeeeded?

In a word, no. In a few more words, I don't think so. To be honest, I didn't watch much of it. I tuned in to watch Phoo Action, having read in the aforementioned London rag how great it was. Before it even began, there was some odd emo-girl thing presenting the link. Clearly, the powers that be feel the best way to appeal to young people is to make the channel into a kind of late-night version of kids' breakfast show Going Live. I disagree, and think this was a bad start for the channel.

Once the programme started, things just got worse. As T4-like as the presenter was, it was nowhere near as bad as the show that followed. Looking like something that fell out of a Happy Meal, it was colourful to the point of childishness. However, I thought I'd give it a go, and I did my best to get through it.

20 minutes later, having seen Carl Weathers, and said repeatedly "Wow! It's Carl Weathers!" to my wife, who had no idea what I was talking about, I changed the channel. Phoo Action was without doubt one of the worst things I'd seen on TV for a long time. Sure, it was different to the stuff that BBC3's been criticised for in the past, but that just means it was a whole new type of fucking awful, on a level with the channel's previous worst efforts. The acting was poor, the script was terrible, and the whole thing seemed to be trying too hard.

I did briefly return to BBC3, but on seeing an ad for Lily Allen's chat show, decided it was best left alone.

All in all, this relaunch got off to a terrible start. The thing is, as bad as some of BBC3's programmes were, some real gems have started life there. For example, Nighty Night and The Mighty Boosh. In fact, it was no different from any other channel, because in this age of digital TV, all the stations pad out their schedules with crap. It's up to us as viewers to find the good stuff by switching over when the rubbish is on. Anyway, BBC3 hasn't really changed that much, as a quick look at the new website reveals. Among the 'treats' on offer are Two Pints (will it ever end?), Dog Borstal, Baby Borrowers, and Freaky Eaters Series 2: Addicted to Sausages. So it's still showing all the same dross it used to, but now we get a sour-faced teenager telling us it's on, interspersed with the odd hour-long Jackanory special.

Worst 'Word Of The Day' Of The Day

2008-02-09T12:08:00.003Z

Campanile.

Thank iGoogle for that one.

I'm sure you're dying to know what it means, aren't you? Well, Encarta's definition is as follows:

cam·pa·ni·le [ kàmpə nlee ] (plural cam·pa·ni·les or cam·pa·ni·li [ kàmpə nlee ])
noun
Definition: bell tower: a bell tower, especially a freestanding bell tower of the kind found in Italy

I can't help thinking it's less 'word of the day', and more 'word that you've probably never heard of, and are very unlikely to ever have the need or opportunity to use in a meaningful sentence'. Of the day.

TV Too White Says Lenny

2008-02-08T15:02:00.000Z

It's been reported on the BBC News website that comedian Lenny Henry thinks there isn't enough cultural diversity in the British broadcasting industry. He's quoted as saying, "When I started, I was surrounded by a predominantly white workforce, and 32 years later, not a lot has changed."

I have to say, he's not as funny as he used to be, is he?

More Lenny Henry news here.

To The Man Who Sat Next To Me On The Train This Morning

2008-02-08T14:53:00.000Z

If you insist on sitting on top of me, don't be surprised that you're lacking some 'personal space'.

Oh, and if I move over, I'll be sitting outside the train, you complete prick.

Embedding YouTube Clips Is Too Easy

2008-02-08T14:49:00.000Z

Since I've discovered how to embed video clips on this blog, I haven't been able to stop. I really should write something instead. In the meantime, here are a couple of my favourite songs from Flight Of The Conchords:

Sporting Hoaxers

2008-02-08T10:49:00.000Z

Having read the story over www.sportsbastards.com about the New York Giants fan, who managed to sneak on one of the team buses, and then spent the whole day with them, it got me thinking about some of sports other great hoaxers. Here are couple of my favourites, starting with Ali Dia. If you don't know who he is, I'll let Mr Matthew LeTissier explain:

Sadly, I couldn't find any footage of the game in which Dia played. However, I did find this clip of Karl Power, the hoaxer that managed to get in on the Man United team photo before a Champion's League match. He's at the far left, but also keep an eye Nicky Butt:

The Kids In The Hall

2008-02-07T12:55:00.000Z

Possibly one of the most underrated sketch shows of all time. Here are couple of my favourite sketches:

A Little Zombie Query

2008-02-07T12:09:00.000Z

Having recently watched 28 Weeks Later on DVD, I once again started to question the whole logic of zombies and zombyism in general (and, yes, I know horror geeks don't regard it as a zombie movie, but it is). Why don't zombies eat each other?

As I always do when I have question that needs answering, I googled it. Once again, the seemingly omnipotent search engine provided. The consensus seems to be that zombies don't munch on each other, because they need fresh brains or flesh (depending on which movie it is), so the rotten offerings provided by other zombies just won't do. Who would have guessed they were do discerning?

Anyway, this seems to make sense, but it doesn't explain why they only ever seem to take one bite, instead of eating their whole victim. All this does is create more competition for the ever-dwindling food supply. In fact, the only time you see someone being really torn apart and eaten by zombies is when they're the deliberately annoying side-character.

Conclusion: zombies are crap.

Rubbish eBay Auction Of The Day

2008-02-05T14:13:00.001Z

I was going to write about the rubbish toy I got from a Kinder Egg toy today - a little plastic model of the Gingerbread Man from Shrek - then I came across this:

As you can see, someone's selling the exact same Kinder Egg toy on eBay, and has set the Buy It Now price at £3. What a great idea. If I'd known you could make money just by opening up Kinder Eggs and flogging their contents online, I'd never have bothered with college. It's a flawless business plan - buy something that costs 60p, then sell it for more. You even get to eat the chocolate.

Yet More Poetry

2008-02-05T13:22:00.000Z

Guest poet today is Baldrick from Blackadder. First up is his untitled poem about war:

"Hear the words I sing,
War's a horrid thing.
But still I sing, sing, sing
Ding a ling a ling."

'The German Guns'

"Boom, boom, boom, boom,
Boom, boom, boom,
Boom, boom, boom, boom..."
EB: "Boom, boom, boom?"

Acting: The Dida Way

2008-02-04T15:12:00.000Z

[This is something I wrote for SportsBastards (www.sportsbastards.com), a site run by the multi-talented, wonderfully-bearded Ron Hogan.]

Have I missed something, or has someone launched a sportsman's category for the Oscars? That would go some way to explaining the behaviour of AC Milan's Brazilian goalkeeper, Dida in last week's Champions league match against Celtic. Having been lightly tapped on the cheek by a pitch-invading Celtic fan, Dida proceeded to give chase.

Dida: does a good Hamlet, apparently

If at this point he'd caught him and roughed him up a bit, I think most people would have understood. However, when it became clear he wasn't going to catch him, Dida fell to the ground like a wounded soldier. I'm guessing he thought the Oscar judges were watching, because he really went the extra mile, being stretchered off with an ice pack on his face.

From an acting perspective, it's great to see this kind of commitment (although the indecision at the beginning may lose him points). From a footballing point of view, it's not quite so good. With diving already a fairly regular occurrence, what can we expect to see next? Fake blood, perhaps? Or maybe the next time Dida gets a tap on the face, his head will fall off and explode, thanks to the newly-installed special effects team?

RE: Poetry Corner

2008-02-04T14:12:00.000Z

My poem 'Dust' has had such a positive response, particularly with my workmates, that I've decided to go full-time with the whole poetry thing. This will coincide with an obsession with experimental jazz, and an attempt to grow a goatee. If anyone has a beret going spare, I'll take that too. I look forward to seeing you crazy cats on the scene. Until then, enjoy this little bit of creative genius from one of my favourite lyricists:

'Scatman' by Scatman John (an excerpt)
Ski bi di bi di do bap do
Do bam do

Bada bwi ba ba bada bo
Baba ba da bo
Bwi ba ba ba do

Nice.

Arena: Why Old Favourites Should Be Left In The Past

2008-02-04T11:38:00.000Z

Another article from Den Of Geek (www.denofgeek.com):

Anthony had always had fond memories of the 1989 movie Arena. Until he decided to watch it again...

It’s always fun to reminisce about the things from your childhood: the films and TV you watched, the sweets you gorged upon, or the kids you used to play with. Unsurprisingly, many of us are tempted to relive these moments. Maybe we’ll watch some of those old films, or find somewhere that sells the sweets we used to eat, or even get in touch with our old friends.

However, things are rarely as good as you remember. Did those sweets always have that bitter aftertaste? Was that old friend of yours always as boring as they are now? And was that film really that terrible when you watched it as a child, or it is you that’s become less tolerant and more cynical?

The reason I ask these questions is that I recently fell into this very trap myself. Based solely on vague, soft-focus recollections, I decided it would be a really good idea to revisit the 1989 movie Arena.

For those that haven’t seen it (that’s just about everyone other than me, the director and the cast), it tells the tale of Steve Armstrong (played by Paul Satterfield), who enters as the sole human combatant in a fighting tournament dominated by aliens. I’d always had fond memories of it, and when I saw a VHS copy sitting among my brother-in-law’s video collection, I was overjoyed.

Inevitably, disappointment ensued. The action-packed sci-fi adventure that I remember had somehow been replaced by a low-budget, poorly acted, crock of shit. The action sequences I so fondly remembered revealed themselves to be badly choreographed and unconvincing. Watching Satterfield perform a rather pathetic uppercut on a big, wobbly rubber alien is a sight no man should ever have to witness. Not only did it shatter my world and make me want to cry; it brought home to me just how rubbish the 80s could be.

Fortunately, the strong script saved the day… if only. The reality is that Arena is almost completely without merit. However, I still think the concept is interesting, and could be ripe for a remake. It wouldn’t be hard to beat the existing version either – just find a leading man that doesn’t appear to have had a lobotomy, and double the original budget by asking your grandparents for cash this year instead of book tokens.

After all this disappointment, I thought it wise to find something positive in this experience; perhaps a moral? Yes, what can I learn from this whole traumatic event?

Having given it at least thirty seconds of genuine thought, I came to the conclusion: ten-year-old kids know nothing about films. No doubt, more thorough consideration would turn up rather more significant lessons than this, but as a result of Arena, the portion of my brain that dealt with that kind of thing has long since given up.

Poetry Corner

2008-02-03T16:39:00.000Z

I have been known, on occasion, to write the odd poem. Most of it was done in my teenage years, and was the usual angst-filled rubbish. This is one the less shit things I wrote (by virtue of the fact it's really, really short):

Dust

Dust
Is often viewed with
Disgust,
But really it's
Just
Us.

Assorted Articles

2008-02-03T10:02:00.000Z

This is a bunch of stuff I did during a variety of work experience things. Unfortunately, all I have is low-quality scans, but there just about readable. This first one is from TNT Magazine, a freebie thing for Antipodeans in London:

This next one is from a two week stint at the local newspaper (Farnham Herald):

Finally, these two pages are from What Plasma Magazine:

A Brave New Era For Publishing

2008-01-31T13:48:00.000Z

I know I'm not the only person who noticed it, but I feel compelled to say something about the Metro's coverage of the Jerome Kerviel story. It's taken me a week to get round to it, but I have the story posted on my wall now, so I keep thinking about it.

As you may know, poor old Jerome lost a shitload of money (about £3.6 billion) by gambling on the stock exchange. In the Metro's story (25/01/08), the final paragraph reads 'Kerviel's Facebook page had 11 friends before the scandal broke - but this was down to four last night.'

Jesus wept.

The odd thing is, the day before this story was published, a colleague of mine made a joke about how the number of friends you have on social networking sites would soon become some kind of indication of your place in society. According to the Metro, that's already happened. I genuinely cannot believe that a paid journalist thought this shit to be news-worthy. If you're wondering, his name is Aidan Rednedge. To be fair though, the editor has failed him, as he should have said to him, ‘Aidan, you’re a twat.”

Of course, there’s always the chance that quoting quantities of Facebook friends in news reports will become standard practice. Indeed, he might one day be remembered as something of a trailblazer in this respect.

On second thoughts, no, it’s more likely he’ll go down in history as that dick that couldn’t finish a story.

Radnedge’s Facebook page had one friend before the scandal broke – but this was down to zero last night, as his mother disowned him.

Great Movie Comebacks

2008-01-30T10:43:00.000Z

Another article from Den Of Geek:

How many actors have really resurrected their careers when they previously seemed destined for straight-to-video hell? Tony has some suggestions...

In a very tentative link to Martin Anderson’s recently rediscovered interview with Stephen King, let’s begin by quoting the horror writer himself. Or rather, the title of one of his novels: Sometimes They Come Back.

For indeed they do, sometimes, come back. However, in this case, we’re not talking about long-dead teenagers, but rather movie actors, and their almost-dead careers. In the following article, we examine the phenomenon known commonly as the comeback, with three prominent examples from modern cinema.

John Travolta
When Quentin Tarantino’s masterpiece Pulp Fiction was released in 1994, it finally gave jobbing actor Samuel L Jackson the recognition he deserved. Perhaps just as notably, it signalled what was widely regarded as a comeback for John Travolta. Technically, he hadn’t actually gone anywhere, since his last movie came out the previous year (according the IMDb). However, considering that movie was Look Who’s Talking Now, it may well have been considered the final nail in the coffin of his career.

In fact, if you examine his CV further, apart from the brief highlight of Blow Out, his work after Grease had been completely dry of hits. Compare that to his career after Pulp Fiction and the positive effect of that film is obvious. Although several of his efforts may have fallen short (e.g. Broken Arrow, Michael, Battlefield Earth), it’s clear that he once again became a bankable star, worthy of mainstream big budget releases. From the super-cool Chili Palmer of Get Shorty, to the über-baddies of Face Off, The Punisher and Swordfish, Travolta was well and truly back.

Mickey Rourke
Once a good-looking leading man, Mickey decided in 1991 that he would try to resurrect his fledgling boxing career, to the detriment of his job as an actor. As a result of this rather bizarre career move, for the next four years he appeared in only a handful of movies. When he finally retired from boxing and returned to acting, he quickly began making appearances in mainstream movies. However, these were generally small parts, and the first movie of any quality was John Grisham’s The Rainmaker in 1997. Other notable movies he appeared in include The Pledge, Spun, and Once Upon A Time In Mexico.

Even with these roles under his belt, it still came as a surprise to many when he took the award-winning lead in Robert Rodriguez’s 2005 hit Sin City. Although he certainly put in a fantastic performance, you can’t help wondering if his success had anything to with his make-up in that movie. Having had his face pretty much destroyed, followed by plenty of plastic surgery to fix it, in Sin City, the producers had perhaps achieved the impossible by making Rourke look more ugly than he does in real life. Considering that he’s been in only two films since (neither of which was any good), this seems quite likely. There’s a possibility then, that this could be the briefest comeback ever. Well, there’s always Sin City 2 to look forward to.

Sylvester Stallone
After providing the voice of Weaver in Antz in 1998, Stallone didn’t do anything for the next two years. He was pretty good in that film, and had proved in the previous year with Cop Land that he really could act, so it seems a little unfair that his career dipped at this point. However, when he did make his return, it was with the abysmal remake of Get Carter. For the next six years, his roles were sparse but included a few high-profile flops (e.g. Driven, D-Tox). This time, he deserved it.

When he announced that he was making another Rocky sequel, it seemed very much like the actions of a desperate man. How could a 60-year-old with a strangely puffy face, and an apparent liking of growth hormones possibly make another boxing movie? It seemed almost inevitable that it would be a ‘straight-to-video’ flop. As it turned out, it was hit, and has paved the way for Stallone to reprise his role as the gun-toting one-man-army John Rambo. Hopefully, it’ll be just as good if not better than Rocky Balboa.

The Failures
Of course, comebacks don’t always quite pan out as expected. Normally, when an actor is considered a ‘has-been’, it’s for a good reason. Perhaps, they were never any good in the first place? Maybe they’ve grown old and lost their looks? Or possibly, the world just isn’t interested in them any more. So to finish off, here’s a brief list of failed comebacks:

David Carradine – Kill Bill
Beneficial to his career, maybe, but not the success that was probably expected.

Jean-Claude Van Damme – Universal Soldier: The Return
Sorry, Jean-Claude, no one cares anymore.

Paul Hogan – Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles
Dear oh dear. Perhaps you should try sounding a bit less Australian, Paul.

Sharon Stone – Basic Instinct 2
MILFs are okay for a five-minute fumble when your housemates are out for the night, but not for mainstream cinema.

Five Scary Children In Movies

2008-01-30T10:35:00.001Z

I wrote this for Den Of Geek (www.denofgeek.com):

Children are scary, right? You wouldn't want to meet one in a dark alley. Especially not one of the five in this list...

Kids are scary. I’m going to be a father soon, and I’m terrified. And it’s not just me; for decades, horror movies have used children in their imagery, and to great effect. It seems that imbuing our notion of childish innocence with a sense of evil puts our perception of the world and its values out of kilter. Like a lovely fluffy pillow stuffed with diseased hypodermic needles, something which should be non-threatening suddenly becomes a very real danger. From the numerous monstrous minors who have put us on edge over the years, here’s a selection of our favourites.

Regan MacNeil: The Exorcist
With a complexion you’d have to die for, Regan makes a gang of knife-wielding hoodies seem as threatening as a church choir. Although the film is rather dated now, and some of the dialogue is just plain hilarious, this little devil’s propensity for projectile vomiting, head spinning and her innovative use of a crucifix ensures that she’ll go down in history as one of the scariest of scary children the silver screen has ever witnessed.

Skipping girls: A Nightmare On Elm Stree
Quite possibly the most frightening thing in this film, these eerie apparitions joyfully play with a skipping rope, while chanting, “One, two, Freddy’s coming for you…” For all the blood and gore that these films boast, this single image is the one that’s most likely to stay in your memory, the sound of their gleeful taunting echoing around your head as you try to sleep. Big pointy knives are scary, yes, but little girls with a skipping rope? Terrifying.

Sadako: Ring Trilogy
Although she doesn’t really feature much until the third instalment of the series, and she always plays second-fiddle to her adult incarnation, young Sadako is, nevertheless, suitably spooky. Sporting the famous ‘over the face’ hairdo, you never see what she looks like, but you know you probably don’t want to find out. She’s able to kill people just by thinking about it, and as the polar opposite of her other half, she is pure concentrated evil.

Damien: The Omen
Making it abundantly clear that children are scary, this little chap made sure that no one could ever again hear the name ‘Damien’ without shuddering. As the adopted son of a US Ambassador, he’s used to having an influential father, but is nevertheless surprised to find out his real daddy is Satan. However, he soon shows his true colours with a series of gruesome, cold-blooded murders. Well, boys will be boys.

Toshio Saeki: Ju-On: The Grudge
Despite being upstaged by his freakishly bendy mother, Toshio’s ability to walk through walls and hover over your face as you lie petrified on your bed, trying to maintain control of your bladder, makes him more than worthy of inclusion here. He also highlights a trend in Asian horror for scary kids. We’ve already mentioned Sadako, but similar imagery is also used in Dark Water, in which Hideo Nakata unleashed yet another soggy dead girl on the world.

Crap Gadget Review: Zoltar Fortune Teller

2008-01-29T17:58:00.000Z

Price: £19.95
Manufacturer: Paladone Products Ltd
Website: www.paladone.com
Required Spec: A finger and a question

So, you want to know if you’re going to win the lottery this weekend. Well, the gods favour you… not. At least that’s according to the Zoltar Fortune Teller from boysstuff.co.uk. Simply ask him a yes/no question, put one of your digits in his magic fortune-telling finger hole and he’ll play some creepy music, before providing you with an answer.

If you think you’ve heard the name Zoltar before, you probably remember him from Big, the 1988 movie in which a 13-year-old boy asks to be ‘big’ and promptly turns into Tom Hanks. For the record, I tried this and it didn’t work (although I did get an urge to start crying in public).

Essentially, this is just a magic 8-ball, but one with flashing lights, a gypsy, and a strange music which plays far too loudly (so very little like magic 8 ball, then). As with anything like this, it’s a waste of money and is fun for approximately 23 seconds. If you do buy this, let me tell you your future right now – expect to about twenty quid poorer and disappointed very soon.

Summary
If you’ve got a 50/50 decision to make, I advise you to toss a coin – it’s cheaper and less annoying.

PS3: The Unwanted Console?

2008-01-29T17:39:00.000Z

This is another article I wrote for Micro Mart, around the time that retailers started offering preorders for the PlayStation 3.

Weeks after becoming available, retailers were still taking preorders for Sony’s new console. Why didn’t they sell out? Anthony Enticknap takes a look

Ah, the fun of console launch days. Going to bed the night before, barely able to sleep due to the excitement. When you do drop off, your dreams are full of end-of-level bosses and extra lives. Then in the morning, still buzzing, you make you way to the local games store… Where you find they’ve already sold out.

Damn it. You see the people clutching their new consoles in one hand and a sleeping bag in the other. Why didn’t you camp outside the shop like they did? Or, more sensibly, why didn’t you preorder?

These events, then, are times of both joy and despair, depending on whether you get your machine or not. In the case of the Sony PlayStation 3, however, as the run up to launch day wore on, it looked increasingly as if it would be a time of plenty (in Europe, at least).

Unlike the elusive Nintendo Wii, demand for the PS3 seemed to be totally underwhelming. Despite being out since early December, it remains a challenge to get your hands on one of Nintendo’s machines. For example, a quick visit to Amazon.co.uk reveals only nine are available, all of which are part of Amazon’s Marketplace, and therefore from external sources. Meanwhile, just days away from launch, preorders for PlayStation 3 were still available. The frenzy which characterised the Wii’s preorder period and launch, and to a lesser extent, the Xbox 360’s, just wasn’t there for Sony’s console. Looking at various other retailers, such as Argos and Play.com, it seemed preallocations for the machine were far from being sold out.

Why is this? Rather than immediately launching into an attack on Sony, let’s consider a few possibilities. Firstly, it could just be that Sony managed to produce so many of the consoles that retailers weren’t being left short. Secondly, the apparent shortage of Wiis may be a deliberate action by Nintendo to maintain demand.

However, it's far more likely that consumers just aren’t that bothered about it. The most obvious reason for this is probably the price. While the Wii, launched at less than £200, the PlayStation 3 comes in at more than £400. That instantly excludes a large proportion of gamers, who simply cannot afford it. Those that can stump up this kind of cash, though, aren’t necessarily going to, thanks to other shortcomings in Sony’s European strategy. Who wants to pay £400 for a machine which costs far less in the US and Japan? Also, it’s a risk to invest this kind of money when one of its main technologies – Blu-ray – is still involved in a format war with HD DVD. And despite charging European customers more, Sony is giving them less, by reducing backwards compatibility. These factors, combined with an uninspiring range of launch games, are likely to be the main causes of public disinterest towards the PS3.

However, despite the fact that retailers were still taking preorders weeks after they became available, they appeared to be in denial, claiming that everything was going to plan. For example, Gerry Berkley, Head of Games for Woolworths is reported to have said, "It's the hottest gaming system since the PS2 launched in 2000 - demand will outstrip supply.” Meanwhile, Play.com has claimed that it took six times as many preorders for the PS3 as it did for the Xbox 360 and fifteen times more than for the Wii.

If everything was going so fantastically, why didn’t retailers sell all of their preallocations? Why were they offering more and more freebies to tempt us into buying a PS3? Well, Sony claimed that one million consoles would be available in Europe for launch, so that would account for the apparent abundance of the machine. It would have us believe that preorders actually sold like very warm cakes, but because Sony was so diligent in manufacturing units for launch, there were a few left. However, when you consider that only 220,000 of those were for the UK, you would expect them to have sold out.

So what’s going on? Is the PlayStation 3 a resounding success or an utter flop? It seems as if there’s a conspiracy between retailers and Sony to dupe the buying public into thinking the PS3 is the best console ever and is in short supply. If you take a visit to www.ukresistance.co.uk, you can find a particularly vehement anti-PS3 campaign taking place. Although the site is primarily about jokes, the points it raises are valid, nonetheless. As well as publishing reader accounts of local shops that haven’t sold out of PS3s, it recently posted a photo of a sign which was put up in the Bluewater branch of GAME. The sign compared the PS3 to the Xbox, taking a very pro-PS3 slant, and as UK Resistance readers pointed out, a lot of it wasn’t even true. This was reported to various authorities and the sign was promptly taken down.

Unfortunately for Sony, UK Resistance and its readers represent just a small portion of a much larger section of gamers who are disillusioned with the company and its consoles (the PSP has sold far less than expected). Of course, it’s not all bad though, and some people still seem to be excited about the PS3. A quick look at the reviews of the machine at Amazon.co.uk reveals a four out five average rating. Considering the console hadn't yet been released, however, there’s an undeniable sense of fanboyism pervading here. It wouldn’t be surprising if there were a few marketing executives among them either.

In the end though, we won’t know for sure how well everything’s going for a while. Regardless of the amount of preorders taken, not all of them will necessarily have led to sales. And even if they do, there could be a lot of returns. For a clear gauge of how well the PS3’s done, it might be worth checking on eBay a few weeks after launch to see how many people are trying to sell their consoles on. One thing seems increasingly likely though: come launch day, you won't have to go home empty handed.

[Published in Micro Mart. I have no idea when.]

When Micro Mart Rang Nigeria

2008-01-29T15:36:00.001Z

This feature appeared in Micro Mart 946, and won me an Employee Of The Month award (and a £50 gift voucher, which paid for a Freeview box with a personality disorder). I spent a month scam-baiting, and eventually ended up phoning one of the scammers: a rather pleasant Nigerian chap who claimed to be a barrister.

I've made it available as a PDF, so you can also check out the rather fetching art work, created by the Micro Mart design guru Martin Anderson. Get it here.

If you'd rather not mess around with such fangled gadgetry as a PDF reader, here's the article in regular text. You will, however, be missing out on a couple of smashing boxouts and the benefit of proofreading.

The World Of Scam-baiting

We’ve all had e-mails telling us we’ve won the lottery or offering us millions in return for, well, very little. We all know they’re rubbish, but what happens if you reply? Anthony Enticknap has been finding out

My mission was simple. Reply to scam e-mails and see what would happen. So, with all my Roger Cook-like powers, that’s exactly what I did.

Of course, doing any of this using my own e-mail address would more foolish than jumping into a lion’s den wearing trousers made entirely from sausage meat. The sensible thing to do, then, was to set up a fake e-mail address. Using a random name allocator I found on the web, I plumped for the name, Alistaire Fox, then I went about setting up alithefox@googlemail.com.

At this point, I was all set to go, but decided, just for a little more realism, to put a face to the name. Once again, Google provided, as I typed ‘old man’ into Google Images, selected a few faces at random and merged them all into one slightly odd face (and if his forehead looks familiar, that’s probably because it belongs to a famous World Cup winning footballer).

Back In The USSR
Now with a name, a face and an e-mail address, I did my best to attract spam. I signed up for various forums and online offers, but to no avail. Eventually, I borrowed some from my own e-mail account and from my colleagues'. Among them was a letter from Liliya, a Russian lady who had been jilted by someone called Justin and was now looking for someone new to marry. In reply, I wrote:

‘Hi Liliya,

How are you? I read your e-mail with great interest. I am very sorry to
hear about what happened between you and Justin. Personally, I think
you sound very nice and I think Justin will one day know just what he
threw away.

I too have been treated in this way before. For a whole year, I dated a
women, and thought she loved me, but she was only after my money and
my expensive car. I bought her diamonds and jewels, but when she had
all she wanted she left.

As I said, I think you sound very nice. Strong too - you know what you
want and how to go about getting it. When I read your email yesterday,
all my troubles seemed so far away. I woke up this morning feeling
fine, because there's something special on my mind. Usually when I
wake up in the morning, I just lie in bed thinking 'Help!'

I need somebody too, you see. Not just anybody. Some people take
second best, but I won't take anything less - it's got to be perfect.
Something about your email makes me think you could be the one I've
been waiting for. Together, I think there'd be no limit, no valley too
deep, no mountain too high.

Please send me a photo of yourself. I'm sure you're very beautiful. I
hope we will get along well. I know you've been hurt before but you
need to learn to trust men again. After all, we can't build our dreams
on supsicious minds.

Sincerely,

Alistaire Fox’

Oddly enough, heavy use of song lyrics didn’t go seem to go down too well and I never heard from her again.

I’m In The Money
Undeterred, I decided to follow up another, completely different e-mail. This time, I was being promised 750,000 Euros from a lottery I didn’t enter. Suppressing the urge to do a little leap for joy, I refrained from handing in my notice and decided to check it out.

My contact was Mrs Lucy Hans, who was based in Holland. I let her know I wished to claim my prize. She quickly replied and sent me a claim form, which I duly filled out and returned, not forgetting to annoy my potential scammer as much as possible by delaying and claiming ignorance of PDF files.

Despite supplying the most obviously made-up address I could think of, I was contacted again and given a certificate, which ‘proved’ my win. Although I again refrained from standing on my desk and shouting “You can’t fire me. I quit!” the certificate, nevertheless, is now stuck proudly on my wall.

Anyway, I was instructed by Lucy (who had already rather firmly rejected my proposal of marriage) to contact a Mr Raymond White, the Foreign Operations Director at their paying-out bank. Here’s my e-mail:

‘Dear Raymondo,

Please do not be offended by my informal nature. I'm just happy to be
finally making my claim. As soon as I get the money, I'm going to
throw a massive party, with jelly and ice cream and everything. Best
of all, you're all invited!

Anyway, on with the serious business of making my claim. I'm not
entirely sure what I need to give you. The reference number is
AD/GU888/68/06.NH. Do you also need a copy of the certificate that my
dear friend Lucy Hans sent me? I can e-mail it through, if you like.

Let me know if you need anything else, Dr White, and I'll get back to you ASAP.

Many, many, many thanks,

Alistaire

P.S. - I hope you don't mind me asking, but seeing as your a doctor,
could you give me some advice about a rash I've recently found on my
bottom? If this isn't possible, please forgive me.’

After this, the trail went dead. I answered a few more lottery e-mails and got similar answers, but they were all far too impersonal – many of them began simply with ‘Dear Winner’. If I wanted more personal responses, I’d have to get serious…

Nigeria 419
While Russian brides and lottery claims are all well and good, the best way to get proper, personal responses is to go down the 419 route.

The 419 scam will be to many of us. Named after the Nigerian law which they violate, these e-mails usually take the form of a letter which requests that the victim helps them move a vast amount of money out the country. In return, the victim will get to keep a percentage of the money. All they have to do is supply their bank details and pay a fee for the transfer to take place. This fee is usually a few thousand pounds or dollars. Of course, the victim never sees this money again and nothing is ever deposited into their account. In response to this, many people now write back to the scammers, feigning interest – a pastime known as ‘scam-baiting’.

Among the websites dedicated to this activity, 419eater.com is probably the best. Following the tips I found there, I began my quest. The first thing I did was to do a web search for ‘Mugu guyman guestbook’. This is because scammers harvest e-mail addresses from online guestbooks, and leave the name ‘Mugu’ or ‘Guyman’ as a calling card, warning off other scammers. Indeed, they will often leave a message like, ‘I am here’ or ‘Keep offfffffffff’.

I then began signing as many guestbooks as I could, leaving my fake name and e-mail address on all of them. As 419eater says, it is not acceptable to spam guestbooks, so I made sure to take a look at all the sites, before leaving them a relevant, friendly message.

With about twenty or so guestbooks signed, I sat back and waited.

It Begins…
The very next day I had a small flock (for want of a more accurate collective noun) of spam e-mails. These included plenty of lottery scams, a few PayPal phishing mails, and many, many ads for male potency products (how did they know?). Happily, among them were the 419 e-mails I’d been waiting for. I answered several of them over the next few days, but two developed further than the rest and it’s these I’d like to focus on.

Both of them concerned recently widowed women in Africa, who were looking to transfer large amounts of money left by their husbands out of their respective countries. We’ll begin with Mrs Suzana Vaye, who wrote:

‘My Name is MRS.SUZANA NUHAN VAYE from Liberia, a Country in West
Africa. My late Husband is Issac Nuhan Vaye, Deputy Minister of Public
Works in Liberia.My Husband was falsely accused of plotting to remove
the then PRESIDENT OF LIBERIA CHARLES TAYLOR) from office. Without
trial, Charles Taylor killed him… Before my husband was killed, he moved out the sum of $21.5 million
through a diplomatic means, and deposited it with GLOBAL FINANCE
INTERNATIONAL BANK.

Abroad. And this money was meant for importation of agricultural
machinery. All that is needed is for my lawyer to instruct the bank
to credit your account . I will remunerateyou with 20% at the end,
but most of all is that I solicit your trust and honesty in this
transaction.’

If interested, all I had to do was contact her London-based lawyer, Attorney Barr Patrick Mezue to get the ball rolling. Quite why a UK-based lawyer would have a Yahoo e-mail address in Hong Kong is a mystery to me, but that didn’t turn out to be the only mistake the scammer made. Regardless, even by today’s exchange rate, $4 million is a pretty impressive sum and difficult to turn down. I wrote back immediately:

‘Dear Mr Barr,

I recently received an email from a Mrs Suzan Nuhan Vaye, regarding
the possible transfer of $21.5 million dollars.

Firstly, may I say that I am truly sorry for Mrs Nuhan's loss. It is a
sad fact of life that people like President Charles Taylor can do what
they want and not face justice. When I was a child, the boy next door
killed my hamster and no one did anything about it. I cried for days,
before my mother bought me a Game Boy. I know it's not the same as
losing a husband, but I just want her to know I understand what it's
like to lose someone.

Anyway, back to business, I suppose. I'm not particularly good at
maths, but I calculate that 20% of $21.5 million is somewhere in the
region of $2 million. Now, normally I wouldn't do this for anything
less that 5%, but because I feel for Mrs Vaye's situation, I will go
ahead at 2%.

Please inform me of what steps I should take next.

Sincerely,

Alistaire Fox’

In spite of my slightly odd hamster story, my terrible grasp of basic arithmetic, and my insistence on getting his name wrong, Mr Mezue replied the next day, with this carefully composed correspondence:

‘I HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL. MRS SUZANA IS MY CLIENT FOR A LONG TIME NOW AND HE HAS ORDERED ME TO MAKE SURE HER FUND IS IN THE SAFE HAND. HOWEVER, EVERY ARRANGEMENT TO MOVE THIS FUND OUT OF THE COUNTRY HAS BEEN PROPERLY MADE.TO PROCEED IN THIS RANSACTION,YOU HAVE TO SEND ME THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIONS;

I YOUR FULL NAME
2 HOME AND OFFICE ADDRESS
3 PHONE AND FAX NUMBERS
4 YOUR MARITAL STAUS AND AGE
5 YOUR NATIONALITY

I ALSO WANT YOU TO GUARANTEE ME YOUR HONESTY AND CAPABILITY OF RECEIVING AND HANDLING THIS FUND. BECAUSE I WILL COME AND MEET YOU IN PERSON BEFORE THE INVESTMENT OF THIS FUND WILL TAKE PLACE. YOUR INFORMATIONS HAS TO BE SUBMITED TO THE BANK WHERE THE FUND IS DEPOSITED FOR IMMEDIATE TFANSFER OF THE FUND. YOU CAN CALL ME ON 234-803-843-8005 FOR MORE INFORMAYIONS. THANKS,

BARR.PATRICK MEZUE’

Now, as the more observant of you will notice, the dialing code for Mr Mezue’s phone number is – surprise, surprise – for Nigeria. However, what I noticed, more than anything, was his overuse of capital letters and poor punctuation. In my reply, as well as requesting evidence of his identity, I said:

‘… may I ask that you turn off the caps-lock before writing to
me. It is very difficult to read otherwise. The caps-lock can.
be located directly above the shift key on your keyboard. The shift
key is denoted by a small arrow. Sorry to mention this, but our
business will proceed much more quickly if you adhere to this request’.

Being an educated man, this surely wouldn’t be a difficult task for him to perform. Sure enough, the next e-mail he sent me was capitalised beautifully. He’d also attached a rather fetching photo of himself. Most satisfactory, I thought, and replied:

‘Hello again Mr Barr,

Thank you again for your correspondence and your patience. Thank you
also for the photograph. I'm sorry I had to ask you for this, but one
has to be very cautious these days.

May I also say you look very handsome in your white wig. You look very
powerful, like a Nigerian, male Judge Judy. I would very much like to
hold hands with you, as we walk along a deserted beach, sipping
cocktails.

But business before pleasure. Here is the information you require:

> I YOUR FULL NAME....... Alistaire Fox
> 2 HOME AND OFFICE ADDRESS......... 87 St Albertino Avenue, London, W19 7BH
> 3 PHONE AND FAX NUMBERS........ 030 9990 542 322 and I do not own a fax machine as the noise they make scares me and I do a little wee
> 4 YOUR MARITAL STAUS AND AGE...... Divorced, and I'm a very young looking 61
> 5 YOUR NATIONALITY....... Greatest British

I hope this is sufficient Pattie (I hope you do not mind me calling
you Pattie. I feel like I know you already).

Lots of love,

Alistaire’

Clearly, Pattie found nothing amiss, as he promptly wrote back:

‘Hello Fox,
Thanks for your response i would have sent you a message since all these while but i have to be in contact with my client. which i did, i showed her all you sent and she is realy delited to work with you. i will submit your informations to the bank where the fund is deposited for easy transfer of the fund. but i want you to call me for more informations which you need on +234-803-8438005.

i am making everything possible to make sure you have a successful transaction. please and please do not run away with Mrs suzana's fund because her condition is not what she has to suffer for another set back.
Thanks,
Barr. Patrick Mezue’

Two things struck me about this e-mail (other than the spelling) – firstly, he referred to me as Fox. That’s one step away from Foxie. Two away from hot sand and Harvey Wallbangers; secondly, he’d said, ‘please do not run away’ with the fund. What a cheek! He’s the scammer and he’s doubting my honesty. Oh well, onwards and downwards…

Hello Pattie!
Over the next few days, not much happened. I made excuses for not phoning Nigeria and he told me couldn't get through to me on the number I’d provided (not surprising seeing as I’d given him a premium rate chat line instead). However, in one mail he said, ‘Please i want you to maintain a very high level of trust and honesty especialy when the fund enters your account’.

Ha. Ha, and ha.

I wrote back with this:

‘Dear Pattie,

I am deeply sorry if the number I gave you was not valid. I sometimes get confused and give out phone numbers of premium rate chat lines. This is because I phone them quite a lot. I think in my old age, I get a little bit mixed up.

Now that I remember, my phone was cut off a few months ago, because I kept calling the emergency services to order pizza.

Anyway, I have arranged to use someone else's phone to call you on Monday. They know I am phoning Nigeria, so that is okay. Of course, I have not told them who I am calling or why, so our secret love is still a secret.

I'm afraid I will not be able to contact you over this weekend, because I have made plans to go to Amsterdam and get bombed out of my skull. Please wait for me to phone on Monday, and everything should go ahead as planned.

Oh, and many thanks for the certificate. It has helped put any lingering doubts I had to rest.

Lots of love,

Alistaire’

Now all I had to do was contact the Global Trust Bank, as instructed by Pattie Mezue. So I wrote to the contact, Kelvin Donald, who despite having never heard of Mr Mezue, rather spookily had the same propensity for unnecessary capital letters.

Well, all things must come to an end, no matter how much fun you’re having, so I picked up the phone and made a one-off, long distance call to Nigeria. For word count reasons, I won’t print it all here, but to summarise, it was along the lines of ‘I don’t have $2,500, can I borrow it off you’, ‘No’, ‘Fine, you’re a scammer, aren’t you?’, “No, I’m not’, ‘Er, yes, you are’, “No”, “Yes’, “No”, etc, etc, until I said good bye and put the phone down.

Obviously, this was too much for a respectable lawyer to take, as he sent me an e-mail the next day. Notably, he’d chosen to eschew my advice about the caps lock:

‘ATTENTION:ALISTAIRE FOX,
THANKS FOR CALLING THIS AFTERNOON AND ALL YOUR INSULT BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN EVERY TERM FOR YOU. I BARISTER PATRICK MEZUE SAID IT EARLER ON PHONE AND I STIL QUOTE IT I HAVE NO CHAMBER[OFFICE] HERE IN NIGERIA I ONLY HAVE A CHAMPER IN UK. YOU CALLED ME A SCAMMER? IS IT BECAUSE OF A SCAM THAT MADE ME TO LEAVE UK FOR NIGERIA JUST TO MAKE SURE THIS TRANSACTION FAVOURS YOU. WHICH I HAVE SPENT OVER $60,000 DOLLARS TO MAKE SURE I CLEAR EVERY TAX ON THE FUND UNDER TWO WEEKS NOW THAT I AM IN NIGERIA.
THERE ARE SCAMS ALL OVER THE WORLD EVEN IN UK,US,NIGERIA EVERY WHERE BUT THERE ARE ALSO REAL TRANSACTIONS. IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED CONTACT MY CLIENT THE DEPOSITOR OF THE FUND SUZANA VAYE TELL HER YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED AGAIN WRITE A LETTER TO THE BANK [GLOBAL TRUST BANK PLC] TELL THE MANAGEMENT THAT YOU ARE NO MORE THE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND.
IF YOU ARE DOUBTING THIS TRANSACTION THE AUTHORITY TO CONTACT IS HERE IN NIGERIA WHICH I HAVE GOT A CLEARANCE FROM THEM THAT IS ECONOMIC AND FINACIAL CRIME COMMISSION [EFCC] THEY HANDLE SUCH CASE TO THE HIGHEST STANDARD
LAST YEAR I WAS IN US FOR A CASE OF SCAM WHICH ONE OF MY CLIENTS WAS A VICTIM.. IS IT BECAUSE OF $2,500 THAT YOU ARE ASKED TO PAY BY THE BANK THAT MADE THIS DEAL A SCAM DEAL? IS IT UP TO WHAT I SPENT FOR MY FLIGHT FROM UK TO HERE. IF NOT FOR MY CLIENT WHO SENT ME HERE TO MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR YOU I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN HERE TO RECEIVE YOUR INSULT. INSTEAD OF YOU TO MOTIVATE ME YOU ARE GOING THE OTHER WAY. DO YOU THINK I AM A NIGERIAN? I AM HERE BECAUSE THE FUND IS DEPOSITED HERE IN NIGERIA. ALL THAT IS LEFT NOW IS SUZANA VAYE'S VISA TO UK TO BE THROUGH AND I WILL PAY UP AND SHE WILL BE IN UK BY NEXT WEEK. YOUR FATE IN THIS TRANSACTION IS ON YOUR HAND.REGARDS
BARR.PATRICK MEZUE’

Oh dear. How will I sleep at night, knowing some poor soul has lost $60,000 as result of my actions? Oh, that’s right, I just close my eyes.

Anyway, my response was:

‘Mr Mezue,

Your determination surprises me as much as your denseness amuses me. I
wish to reiterate to you that I am a journalist. I am also very
familiar with this kind of scam. I would give you the $2,500, and
money would appear in my account. However, it would turn out to be an
illegal transaction and I would receive nothing. You, on the other
hand, would get $2,500.

You cannot expect me to believe that you are a real barrister, as you
can barely spell. If you were based in London, as you claim, your use
of the English language would not be so awful. Also, an educated man
would not write an entire e-mail with the caps lock on.

Furthermore, Suzana Vaye is little more than a figment of your
imagination. I will be losing nothing by discontinuing this business.

Please just accept the fact that you have been found out. If you're
worried about recriminations, don't as I won't bother informing the
authorities.

By the way, I suggest you check out this site:

www.419eater.com

Sincerely,

Alistaire Fox (which isn't a real name, in case you haven't already guessed)’

And that was the end of that.

The Inevitable Love Interest Bit
My second scammer was the widow Marinah Rhikanul, from DR Congo, who began her e-mail with ‘Hi dear’ before telling me about her late husband’s millions, and her 21 days of fasting so that God would come to her aid.. Of course, I couldn’t not help her, could I?:

‘Dear Marinah,

Firstly, I would like to extend my condelences to you in your hour of
need. Secondly, I would like to say I understand your fasting of 21
days. I missed breakfast this morning and I am now really very
peckish. I too would pray to God for some food, but Tesco is only
round the corner, so I could just buy a sandwich.

Anyway, on to more serious business. I am interested in helping you,
but I must request that I get at least 30% of the money. I'm afraid I
don't get out of bed for anything less.

Please let me know if this is okay with you. I await your answer on
the space hopper of life.

Sincerely,

Alistaire Fox’

The next rational step from here? True love, of course. From this point on, the e-mails began ‘My dear beloved Mr Fox’ and the focus was on her joining me in the UK. This is actually a fairly common ruse that scammers will employ to reel in lonely victims. Sadly, Alistaire is one such victim…
In the end, though, it just didn’t work out between us, so we parted and went our separate ways. But not before she sent this:

‘How is Scammer here? You a Bastard,

Bad day.’

Well, whether she’s right about me or not, the joke in the end, is on her and all the other scammers, because while they’re rashly composing their low quality spam e-mails, waiting for someone stupid enough to bite, I’ll be happily spending my 750,000 Euros…